You honestly think that if it was that easy for me to make a decision I wouldn’t have already made one? You seriously believe that I wouldn’t have given a straight yes or no if I knew what I wanted to happen?
I’m tired. Even if you think I don’t have any right to be tired- well, I am.
I fall asleep with a heavy heart and wake up with the same lump of weight in my chest. I constantly think about, “Where to start? How to get it? What to do?” I’ve cried at the end of almost every day, hoping to release even the slightest bit of this awful feeling inside of me.
So, stop. Just stop.
Stop making me feel any worse about myself for not knowing. Don’t make me question the decisions that I’ve made up until now because even with advice from wiser and older people- I obviously messed up when I did not take heed of their words of wisdom.
To put it bluntly, I failed but, that does not make me a failure. I failed to listen but I did not miss the opportunity to learn. I failed to overcome many weaknesses but I was able to realize my strengths. I failed to add a fancy title to my name but whenever someone does call my name I make sure to greet them warmly- and I believe that is even better than any honorific I, again, failed to achieve.
Now that I’ve put all my cards on the table, could we possibly move on from my life now? Is there any chance that we can talk about anything other than whether or not I did drugs when I was in college or if I cheated my way to pass at all. Could we move even just a step towards more enlightening topics like music genres or gravity and why things have to fall so hard.
We live in a damned world where everyone has to be up someone else’s damned business and that means they “care.” We live in a seemingly okay society where we have to be nice to people who have already deemed us unfit even before we stepped through the sliding doors just because we did not achieve the “correct” credentials in school but worked just as hard like everyone else. And, even if I go on and on about so many of these things on my mind, it will not be able to make even the slightest turn of a heart or make you think twice about the last person you crushed with your hopeful words because that’s just how this world has come to be- cruel.
And this is how we’re supposed to be-
Repairable and… still strong.