Is there an US?

My first day of senior high school, I saw you at the 3rd floor of our school…

You were smiling and laughing that time. You’re catching up with your friends I guess. And I think I’m starting to like you that moment. It took a couple of weeks before I found out your name… that literally fits you.

I didn’t know that we have a common friend, and he’s the reason why I knew your name. And I asked him to tell you to send a friend request to me on Facebook. Since the moment I found out your name, I searched it, but I can’t send you a friend request, that’s why I begged him to tell you about it.

Then, in my birthday. I opened my Facebook and I saw a one notification…

And it’s you. You sent me a friend request then I immediately accepted it, ‘coz why not? I was so happy that day. The best gift I ever received from you.  

Days pasts by, we started talking…

We always greeting each other every time we meet at school.

You have the prettiest smile ever.

And we became close to each other for the whole school year…

Not until, the pandemic started…

And we became really close to each other…

We’re always talking even if we’d always staying up late…

Because we’ve never noticed the time whenever we’re talking…

Or its just me who didn’t notice it?

Because I started to feel something deep to you…

I’m starting to love you.

You were always making me happy.

You always makes me smile.

You always giving me butterflies in my stomach…

But you always giving me false hopes and mixed signals.

Or maybe its just me, who always hoping for something from you?

The way you treating me…

To the point, that I fell in love with you.

You lift me up, to the point that I fell for you…

And you didn’t catch me.

And that’s okay, I understand.

But I didn’t said that it wasn’t painful…

And even if I was in pain, I’m still talking to you like nothing happened.

And I’m still loving you like you it didn’t hurt me. I’m still into you…

Did you know that you’re the reason behind my pain?

Of course, you didn’t. ‘Cause I hid it from you.

Why would I tell you? So that, you’re going to pity me.

You will say sorry, for what? Because of your guilt?

I’m longing for more…

I want you to be mine.

But how? You don’t even like me.

You will never like me, I know that.

I’m very sorry for loving you and for hoping that you’ll love me someday.

The whole fucking pandemic, you made me feel special that no one ever did it to me.

I thought there was something between us or maybe it’s just me who made that there something between us?

The whole pandemic we’ve been through a lot of circumstances;

We shared our problems to each other;

We had a misunderstandings and small fights but we overcame it…

And then I realized that I’m neglecting myself, that I’m being martyr of love.

That even it hurts me a lot, its okay…

Because I love you, more than myself.

A cold night, I was crying until midnight while I’m thinking about you…

Doubting myself. 

Questioning myself.

Why am I getting this way because of you?

Am I really just a "friend" to you?

Is there really no chance of having “us”?

And the next morning, I don't know if I'm still in my mind

Because I suddenly made a decision. 

I decided to stay away from you, to avoid you.

I stopped talking to you for almost a month.

I just sent a long message that you thought its a farewell message.

Which is true. I’m very sorry but I have to save myself.

It’s really hard at first, but what am I going to do?

I really have to do that for your own sake…

For myself.

I always thinking about how other people would feel, but I don't care about mine.

This time, I’m choosing myself over you. 

And I hope you'd understand that.

Believe me or not, I restrained myself from loving you. 

But I couldn't, I loved you even more.

I didn't want this to happened either, I just had to do it.

Because if I don't, I'll just keep hoping, making myself look so stupid, that I’ll be hurt, I’ll cry because of pain…

I don’t like what is happening to me…

I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, that’s why I’m doing this.

I kept asking myself, what’s something about you?

That even if how many times you’ve hurt me, I’m still love you?

I’m not blaming you why I’m hurting.

I’m blaming myself for what happened to me, if I just restrained myself for loving you this should not happened.

I let my emotions led me to this,

And that’s it, my emotions took me to the most painful emotion that I don’t know how long it will stay with me.

Yes, I want you and I love you. But you feel differently for me.

That’s why it hurts so much, because I should just love you as my friend.

I understand, I understand you.

I understand that not everything I want or love, I will get or will love me as well. And that’s okay.

I'm sorry if I loved you.

I'm sorry if I hurt you with my sudden decisions.

I need to fix myself first …

I need to be healed from the pain I am feeling right now.

I can't promise you that when I'm okay and everything is fine, I'll come back to you.

‘Cause it’s not easy. It was never easy.

I'm afraid that what happened to me before, might happen to me again once I come back to you. 

I’m very sorry if I gave up on you.

Even my promise to you back then, that "I will not leave you and I will not get tired of you"

I realized that I shouldn't have promised you when we were still happy, when I was still happy with what you were making me feel...

I love you…

But I don't want to continue my love for you,

Because it's not worth fighting for.

Because from the beginning I knew I was going to lose.

And I know I have no chance with you. 

There is no chance that we will be in the end.

But that’s okay. At least I tried, but I got tired.

I’m very sorry if I have to sacrifice our friendship for my selfishness…

You kept saying to me that I should love myself first,

And now, I think this is the right time to love and choose myself.

Thank you for making me happy for almost a year.

Thank you for always being there for me.

Thank you for everything My Love.

I’m sorry but I think this is the end of US.

Even if there was never an US.