“Losing him didn’t feel like I was losing someone. It felt like… I was losing the one.” -kabog ng puso ko gabi gabi. 

Aminado ako, isa akong babae na walang kadala dala. Palaging nasasaktan, palaging naiiwan sa pare parehas na dahilan. Sinubukuan ko naman tumigil mag date e, sabi ko alone time with myself. Nag tagal ng isang taon yun kaso parang hindi talaga ako ganon.

Para akong nilagay sa mundo para isaboy yung pagmamahal ko at the first sight of vulnerability at rawness kasi I know how guarded this world can be so na a-attract ako sa ganon, parang kungbaga genuine ika nila.

Nakilala ko siya at my most vulnerable state. Wounded from battle from the everyday grind and wounded from people who’ve left me used and abused.

We were good friends and it’s a true testament for me that intention beats time for I have only met him for a few but I saw how good his heart was. Napaka buti niya at yun yung isang bagay na hindi mo kayang i-fake.

No matter how f*cked up yung naging buhay ko, it’s absolutely not a pretty picture na isipin what I have been through but through it all, not a single judgment from him. As a matter in fact, he didn’t make me feel like I was broken, deranged or abused. He made me feel like me again. And I’ve missed me so much and that’s why I wanted na makaganti sa kabaitan niya by being as supportive as I can, after all… Those with good hearts suffer the most pain and nakikita ko sa mga mata niya that he was also in pain.

Kinaalunan, nakilala ko na din yung mga bumabagabag sakanyang puso at tama ako. Sa sobrang buti ng puso niya, I know he’s suffered a great deal of pain.

Pinag pa tuloy namin itong namamagitan sa amin on the hopes na magiging support system namin ang isa’t isa. Not fully dependent pero kung baga taga gabay, taga supporta, taga agapay, taga ramay…

He was not perfect, he was flawed and that made me love him.

He was the epitome ng isang mature man. Hindi siya katulad ng sino man na lalake na naging boyfriend or ka MU ko. He was extremely far greater than any of them. He was not a boy, he was a man with a goal and a heart of gold.

Hinding hindi ka niya papabayaan na mag alala. A-assure ka niya sa araw araw. Kapag may problema, walang tampo tampo, pag uusapan namin parang adults. Napaka maunawain niya, maginoo na medyo bastos which I find entertaining. Wala din masyadong late night convos kasi we both understand that rest and sleep are important to the health lalo na parehas kaming overworked sa araw araw.

Mas lalo naging siya naging special sa akin dahil sa kadahilanan na ang first date namin sa ay sa simbahan. Sobrang satisfied at contented ng puso ko noon na I’d pay just to feel that kind of joy again pero what’s done is done and what’s in the past is in the past.

Pero wala naman sayang, ang pag ibig na binuhos ko sakanya ay araw araw na appreciate at yun yung nag pa linaw sa mata niya at nagpa laman sa puso niya na kung ano ba ang deserve niya at he deserved to heal on his own na walang inaagrabyado.

Meaning, kinakailangan niya na akong iwan dahil alam naman niya na hindi niya maiibigay ang deserve ko which is his entirety. Ang kanyang kabuuan na walang halong kalituhan or doubt from his own wounds.

Pinatawad ko na siya na kahit na umabot na sa nagising na niya ang pag mamahal ko para sakanya bago niya pa marealize na hindi niya kaya suklian ng 100% ang binibigay ko.

Tama naman siya, wala sa atin ang deserve ng kalahating pag mamahal. Wala sa atin ang deserve ng pag mamahal na hindi buo.

Binigay niya sa akin anong dapat at ibibigay ko din sakanya ang deserve niya. Ang mag hilom ng mag isa na walang nasasaktan along the way.

Pero…

Umaasa ako na isang araw,

Sana…

Tayo pa din sa huli.

Mula sa babaeng mahal ka at hindi susuko pero mag paparaya,
D.