SARDINAS

Some of you who follow me, befriend me or unfriend me know the different struggles that I constantly battling with, either in my head or through my physique. Some days I feel like I have to stay in bed, laying down for quite long hours, or just ignore people in my surroundings, but oftentimes I feel like I’m empty and missing. I have this anxiety, both emotional & physical. I easily get agitated, irritable and upset at things that I hate or dislike. Those emotions become intense if you trigger it more to come out. And it’s real. They said I have bipolar disorder but they don’t only understand me. I don’t need any Psychiatrist for proper diagnosis, cause I know who and what I am, I am this sure that I’m okay and nothing goes wrong in me, it is within how the people treat me, how they see me and how they dealt with me and vice versa. 

During my childhood I have suffered a severe trauma of how my papa and mama used to fight each other, no physical hurt just verbal, it’s a bomb to my ear. Whenever papa is drunk , we just have to wait until a small conversation begins to burst, even in the middle of your sleep or even when you are awake the commotion grows louder and louder, either you want to remain asleep or awake or you just wish that somehow you will disappear. 

I have also suffered sexual trauma when I was young. I remember my aunt’s husband molested me and touched my private parts and let me sit on his lap… and by then I ignored him more and as a child I was already aware of what he was doing. I was 9 or 10 at that time. 

There are also good things in my life during my early childhood or teenage years. I strive and am able to finish my college and that made me proud of myself. I have lived on my own since I was 17. And dealt with my own life and my own needs, a self provider. I worked hard to feed my own tummy without even expecting any support from my family. I seldom went home for quite an hour or two. Then sneak out again to avoid those negative vibes that I might catch from my parents. But God knows how much I love them.

I experimented with drugs , alcohol when I was a teen without regrets and reckless regard for my own life. I didn’t care and wasn’t afraid to die.

Shortly before the age of 20, I got pregnant with my First child, I thought my life would end there, and I was wrong. My papa and mama became my comfort zone when the father of my son turned his back from me and to my son.

The story doesn’t end there, it continues until I give birth to my second child. We lasted for 7-8 years I think, we lived away from my parents and from my first born. 

But, nothing lasts forever. I went back to my comfort zone with my daughter. My life is like a tragedy living with him and with his parents. I need to work and get paid in his own shelter and small business to have a single centavos in my pocket to buy the things that I want. Until such time I realized that I need to go back home and school, after all I am just a mistress. But instead, he took my child away from me, I filed a case until I won full custody of my daughter and again my parents hugged me and sheltered me in their arms like a newborn child.

Before that,  I attempted suicide, beacause of this certain people who used to cyber bullied me, until now I’am still looking for her identity. I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

This is just a short part of my story. Life continued on until I finally found recovery. I am still learning how to process my emotions, my past trauma. I feel emotionally younger than my current age. But I am on a different path now. I met this guy who is now my husband and a father to my third & Fourth child. I Am also working now as a payroll specialist at a very prestigious canning factory who really sees my potential as a person and as an employee.

I work hard to sustain the needs of my children, after all I didn’t receive any financial support from my First and Second Child father.It is painful and hard sometimes. My salary is not enough to support them. The loads that I am carrying everyday on my shoulder is quite that heavy. But I Am telling you it’s worth it, and I know someday somehow I’ll be a successful woman , a mother, a daughter and a wife.

 My story explains a lot about my life. I just wanted to share more with all of you.

(Bakit Sardinas-Kasi sa Planta ng Sardinas ako nakapagsimula ng panibagong bukas at buhay, dito natupad ang pangarap ko lang na magtatrabaho sa isang opisina na may computer sa aking lamesa, nakakatawa nga kc sobrang babaw, pero natupad yun at marami akong natutunan, simula sa pagiging checker sa production area,QC, QA Evaluator at Production Encoder hanggang sa napunta ako sa Accounting as a Payroll Clerk, Payroll Specialist at Product Costing) dating pasaway , sa planta ng sardinas nakakita ng pagbabago. Nawa’y may makuha kayong aral sa kwento ko. Muchisimas Gracias. Orgullo Zamboangueño.