I was listening to Taylor Swift’s Soon You’ll Get Better and as I ponder its words, I realized, this song is for me. If you haven’t heard the song, please do take time to do so.
According to Taylor, it’s for her mom.
But as a listener, I know it was more than that. Taylor knows that her fans can connect to the song in different ways. And for me, it hits my darkest spot.
“I know delusion when I see it in the mirror”
Right. Whenever I look into the mirror, all I can see is a mess. Someone who dreams too much; hurts too much and thinks too much. I want to see someone who’s completely happy, but all I can see is emptiness. I can see all the negativity that lurks inside me. I can hear the voices that are as sharp as a knife that stabs my chest. I am a delusion. A complete mistake. I shouldn’t be here.
“This won’t go back to normal, if it ever was
It’s been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because
‘Cause I have to”
How has it been since I felt fine and completely normal? I grew up with this tight knot around my chest that feels heavy and cold. I can’t even remember what happiness feels like or if I even felt it. Will I be able to get rid of this darkness? Will there be a time where I won’t pray for my death to come? Will there be a day where I’ll stop feeling like I’m suffocating? Will it really go back to normal?
“Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too”
First string of hope is God. He was there when I have no one to talk to. When my head’s just bursting with pain and thoughts, when eyes were flooring, and when my heart was shattered to pieces. He was there. I know He’s listening to me. He’s the only one who understands me. And I never blamed Him for what I am feeling ’cause I don’t when I have colds, and this sickness I’m in is no different. I believe strongly that this will make me stronger, that is why He put me here. It hurts so much, but I know, and I can feel it, I grew to be stronger and I can see the view of every side. My overthinking did this, but I’m glad I can think of every side of a story. My sadness was able to make me connect to a deep connection to everything and everyone. I’m only alive because of Him. I was supposed to sin, but what I chose to do was talk to Him and cry tons. My pillow was wet for consecutive nights, my eyes were red, my head feels like it’s going to pop. But at least, He was listening and He understands.
“You’ll get better soon ’cause you have to”
And even with all these heavy thoughts, heavy heart, tearful eyes, stabbing pain and killing thoughts, I know I’ll get better. Even if it’s for a few seconds or a minute. I know I’ll feel happy. And when it’s gone, I’ll wait for another pinch of light. I’ll wait and lavish its moment until someday, it will be a complete set of seconds and minutes- a forever- where I’ll be happy. I have to be happy, I have to cling to the strand of happiness because I have to. I have dreams. I have a world to travel, words to write, songs to sing and movies to watch. I can’t give up. I can’t end this. I can’t say I’m done. I don’t need a huge dream to keep myself from dying. A small wonderful piece of strawberry can make me continue moving. There are tons of things that can make me happy if it’s not my own life, I’ll find other things that can make me smile. Like mint color things, a little fish, a quirky laugh of a stranger, a long weird word, a bowl of oatmeal, coffee, books, arts, and the stars. I’ll collect them all and shower them to myself whenever I feel like falling into the abyss. I will be strong and continue this adventure. I have to because I know, soon, I’ll get better.