Sorry, I Fell.

Sorry, because I fell in love. Sorry, because I feel like I pressured you to love me back. Sorry, because I blamed you for hurting me unintentionally. Sorry, because I ruined what we have because of my selfish intentions. Sorry, I destroyed our friendship for my feelings that were never reciprocated. 

We were so close to the point that you almost let me see the whole you. You with your workmates, you with your friends, you with your family, and you when you’re just by yourself. You were so broken, you have no confidence with yourself, you let doubts eat you, and you never believed that there’s someone who loves you. You were so broken and lost. 

But I never saw you that way. For me, you are confident, and you are loved. I did my best to make you feel loved – I listened to all your stories, I stayed up late with you, I immediately replied to all your messages, I took care of you, I gave you lots of courage, I made you believed in yourself, and I love you with my all. I redo all my schedule just to fit yours. I made myself always available for you.

And with that, I fell. I fell in love with your brokenness. I fell in love with the way you doubt yourself and I fell in love when you let me enter your world. We became closer than before and that, that hits me hard. I thought we had the same heartbeat. I asked for more. I demanded for more. I expected for more.

I asked for more of your time, I demanded a lot of attention from you, and I expected you to return all the love I willingly and wholeheartedly gave to you. I crossed the line that I started feeling jealous over your other friends – especially girls. I started getting angry when you don’t reply with my messages. I started acting like you are mine that I’m always asking your whereabouts. I started feeling like your girlfriend when you only see me as your girl friend. I failed to notice your sincere feelings towards me as a friend that I assumed you had love that is more than that. I assumed a lot.

So I gathered all my courage to finally speak my feelings towards you. I thought I will hear the same, but it turns out to be the other way. You started creating your distance towards me. You started cutting our communication. You started to make me feel unloved. I got hurt a lot. I got mad, I started a silent war between us, and I just ruined what is already starting to break. And when I realized all of my actions, it’s already too late. Our relationship will never be like what we used to. We can no longer be friends just like before. We were only be acquaintances with deep shared memories together. 

And with that, I felt sorry. Not only towards you but to myself also. I felt sorry for myself for falling too hard that I let myself be broken over an extreme emotion that should be shared but failed to accept by the person I intended to share to.  And with you, the person I love the most, I’m sorry if you feel betrayed over my selfish intentions. I’m sorry for loving you more than a friend. I’m sorry because I know I broke your trust towards me. I’m sorry I failed to maintain my main role in your life. I’m sorry I fell in love. I’m sorry you felt awkwardness towards me – the person you thought would be with you ’till the end.

I just need time to sort out my feelings for you. I just need time to fully accept that we can only be friends for a lifetime. And when the time comes that I already sorted everything out, and we can never be like what we used to, I promise you that I will say strong and will always be genuinely happy while I’m watching you from afar, silently hoping you’ll look at me and start everything over again.