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July 17, 2020 9:30 PM To my favorite monkey, Unggoy. Every time I think of you, my heart sinks. I go back to the days when we’re just one wall apart. You would flutter my heart so much. You make me smile. You probably don’t know this but you mean so much to me. I ask myself, “If I haven’t left, would I still love you the same?” And I guess I didn’t realize, no, I wouldn’t realize how I love you when I lost you. And if I haven’t said goodbye, I’d never know how much you mean the world to me. I’m just waiting for the right time when I’ll be ready, when I will no longer be afraid, when I can love you right. I hope that day comes. Love, Your Langga
There it was… a piece of paper I’ve found while I was reorganizing my stuff. The paper turned brown… archaic, probably because it was left lying in the dust for so long and I have forgotten about it already. “Wow. It sure’s been a while,” I thought to myself as I opened the folded piece. It was a letter. My letter. To you.
“To my favorite monkey…” You sure were. I loved monkeys. I did not know why. They were naughty but they were also gentle. And when you said you would be my monkey, I giggled and you were the best of them all to my eyes since then. My unggoy.
Ah, it’s been a long time. It was just yesterday when I would always see you in high school – your classroom was next to ours. When you look away, I would be so damn happy to stare at you from afar. Your thick brows, your pointy nose, and your enchanting eyes I would stare at were just freebies to your clandestine yet wholesome and deep personality. And speaking of schools, dude, my heart was yours since the fifth grade. I was this chubby girl who was known to have been rejected by a cute boy in sixth grade after attempting to give a Valentines’ Day letter. I guess that was the very first letter I have written for you. Had it reached you? I have no idea. It was crumpled when it came back to me. But I have never known if you had actually received them.
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Ah, letters. Was it fate that I have found this letter out of nowhere and out of all this time? Did it send me a sign to rethink about what I wrote on the 17th of July 2020 at around 9:30 PM now that you have found the one who can love you the way you want to be loved?
I was the one who left. It was really true – that I would never know how much I loved you when I let you go… when I lost you. You finally have someone who can fill the hollows that I created. I loved you. But I guess it was not enough to make me stay. And now that there is someone who loves you and would stay with you, that, I am happy.
“I’m just waiting for the right time…” If that’s the case then I fear that right time may never come. When I can love you right? I wish I did. I wish I had. That day may never come.
I am no longer your langga. You are no longer my unggoy. But I am happy that we met. That you happened. I will forever be grateful to God for you.
For years, you were the only recipient, the only subject of the writings on these pieces of paper. In every season – when I first had a crush on you, when I longed for you, when I hated you, when I was hurting because of you, when I was in love with you, and when I left you, I wrote them on these pieces of paper. However, I may never be able to send this to you. I could no longer send this to you. I should never send this to you.
“I hope that day comes…” Now that I think of it, what am I hoping for now? Well, I am hoping for a day when I can finally think of you and just feel… relieved. I look forward to that day when I can let out a sigh of solace as I remember that for a juncture in my life, there was you who gave me so much to remember and so much to learn.
I hope that day comes when I would no longer write you these pointless letters. They are supposed to be sent. But as for my case, they would just be the letters that I never sent you.