To have loved you for so long, but have to let you go after all, would have to be one of the most painful process to go through.
I looked passed our differences, your mood swings, the red flags, because man, I was just simply in love with you. My heart would skip when you talk to me, when you message me, when you tag me along, when you smile at me, when you give me something. But, those were not the reasons I loved you. It just came so suddenly two years ago, having without definite reason. I just knew I love you, and I will keep loving you as much as I can and could.
I kept waiting. I kept holding on, even if I was not really sure if you are sure of me. I had a tiny hope clinging like a giant in my heart, because you know, I just really love you, and no matter how I try to not love you, I can’t. Everyone was a blur, but you. There were days when I’m on a cloud nine, there were days when I felt like the bed is filled with pool of tears. There were happy days, and there were more sad days. But, I didn’t mind, because I looked passed the sadder moments, and just thought about the few happy ones. I guess that’s love being out of logic and reason. There was uncertainty. There was no assurance. There was no security. There was no clarity. But even so, I gambled for the sake of love, hoping that one day, you will come to me, and tell me that yes, you feel the same way too. But, there was really none. No matter how hard I try to put you on the spot to confess, the many times I try to tease you so you’d admit, the times I willingly open doors and even windows of opportunity for you to spill it – there was really none. Actually, I was made to believe there is. All those that surround us tell me that you have plethora of feelings on me hidden in the shades of your bashfulness. But I was a fool to believe. All you had to show me was a vague shadow of care I didn’t even know the meaning of. You cared. I know somehow you, do. But, what do I do with that? What was the effect? Nothing but assumptions. And assumptions can be as hurting as that of expecting nothing after hoping there is.
Even then, I still did not give up. I was told many times to quit, to let go, to move on, to find my worth, but I did not. Well, believe me, I tried. I tried to let go, to move on one step at a time. Yet weeks after believing I already am in the process of letting you go, I would once again find myself back to you, falling for those sweet tricks, loving you again, hoping yet one more time. I would always say, “Just one more time.” I guess I already had a number of “one more time” of the many times I tried and failed in the end. That’s love as they would say.
Until one day, I just found myself hanging by a thread. I was so full of you that I forgot about myself. I knew right then, that no matter how desperate I am that you’d tell me you love me too, I cannot ask for something that is unsure. That no matter how much I will have to wait, there will really be no light at the end of the tunnel. I already knew about that through the early red flags, but I fall deaf to it. I just ignored it. But that one day, it just sunk in: there’d be no chance after all, and I just have to let go of everything, and set myself free.
It was in this moment that I gathered myself up, pulled the pieces together, and no matter how hard it was, I did what I have to do. I finally let go of the idea of us, of waking up with you in the morning, or having kids with you in the future. I gave up the illusion of being married to you, travelling to places, holding your hand, cuddling with you, laughing with you, and looking at your precious smile forever. I gave up the memories with you which I have strongly wished to happen again; the promises and plans we keep for the future. I gave up the feeling of loving you forever. I gave up the idea of, “Just one more time.” I gave you up; and giving up on something you really wanted and love is the hardest thing to do. But, I did. And as I pulled myself together in the process, I found myself waking up one day, being able to see myself from God’s perspective. God pursued me, and I deserve someone who would really pursue me. I cried as that finally awakened me and bring me into reality. I thank God because He was with me while I was really hurting. He used a few people and situations to help me cope in the healing process. He gave me the final call: You are not the man that He has planned for me. I am now sure that I am never going back again. I am never going to look back again. I am done. So done.
And, as I end this, I wanted you to know that you are loved. You are a loveable man, a person with a very good heart, and you deserve a woman who will love you truly. I pray that one day, someday, you will find that woman you have been praying for.
