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I was a girl who loves fun, adventure and curiosity. There was a moment in my life that I partied till late. No going home until someone goes crawling and puking. I was the girl who never cared about others. Just my friends and enjoyment.
Then came love. I am not that usual, fine girl who finds love and keep it. I had lots of heartbreaks and heartaches most of the time. At once I have come to reckon that I do not have that kind of luck when it comes to love. I had couple of relationships. Some were real. Some were, well, “i thought was real”. Still, it did not work out. I use to think that is it me or is it just them? Perhaps they cannot jive into my thoughts or perceptions that I am always be the one left behind and get dumped.
Then came this man. The man who made me believe that superheroes do exist in the most needed time of my life. In the real world. It was genuine and precious indeed. I loved him and he loved me back. He saved me during the turmoils of my life. He saved me when no one else wanted to. And when I failed again on the wrong love. We had the same likes and dislikes and same feeling. Hurt and devastated, he came and picked me up. He saved me. But little did I know that he did not spare me with the hurt and confusion that he himself was able to let me go through. Yes, it was not perfect after all.
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He told lies. He destroyed the minute of trust I have for him, for myself and for the world. And I know, trust is a valuable thing, break it into pieces and it will never be fixed, no matter what you do. No matter what it takes to turn it whole, you will end up getting scratches and shards that will hurt you even more. He crushed me. He let me be engulfed by the darkness that I should not be in. He destroyed my thoughts, ideals and dreams. I was then cynical about love, destiny and all the other things in between. No explanations and no clarity. I fought hard for this love to be true but sometimes battles are not meant to be won. Others let you experience loss, scars and deep cuts for you to ponder and fight harder the next time.
It felt surreal, that the love you knew all your life was built with deceptions. For once, you believed that it was the love you have been waiting for. Moreso, I could clearly think of the smiles and boisterous laughs I made. The spontaneity, random trips and the ups and downs you have gone through together and apart. The intimate caresses and kisses you shared with each other and not for the whole world to see. The love only both of you knew how it feels like. The love of your life without the hurt it brings along with.
Then came oblivion. That feeling that you do not know what is bound to happen or what is going on. Questions of what, how, and why came settling in. Very unconscios of the fact that this love was not real after all, thus the running away and the tears witnessed by the dark corners of your room. The music that speaks your heart and mind out. The urge to seek revenge and the truth but held it back for self-preservation. I was a fighter. But love is a different thing. A different fight. I believe that saving the parts of yourself is far more important than letting it all out. In the end, it is only you that has to end this, since you were the one who started this to begin with.
Now, I do not know what to do anymore. I could not afford to see myself be hurt and baffled like I am now ever again. After all, I was the one who opted to be in it. It made me smile for once or twice. Or a couple hundred times. However, it made me the monster I was so afraid to become, heartless. Nevertheless, I know I can make it through. There will always be that silver lining and a rainbow after the rain. A pot of gold might be waiting at the finish line, or a new love or still the same love but more forgiving and understanding. Whatever it is waiting for me in the other side of the bridge, I want to be there. Not now. Not tomorrow, but I will be there. To the man who saved but killed me, you weren’t succesful in killing me. Almost. But you never really did.