To The One I Loved, Yet Broke My Heart

I don’t know how to start this, but I just wanna get this all out of my chest–it has been too heavy already.  I couldn’t sleep well. I couldn’t eat. I barely lived. It was lock-down. There are too many crisis happening around. I got no work. I had a part-time work but I barely could not do my work because I was so distracted.

I loved you sincerely. I cared for you sincerely. I almost gave you everything. I gave up my own principles, even broke my own rules for you. Because I loved you. But I guess you will never be just enough for someone.

I tried so hard to be someone that you might have a possibility of loving genuinely back too. But you weren’t.

You made me believe that you were the guy who was destined for me by the Lord. But it was just all a lie. It could have been not probably God himself who has been telling me that it’s you. It could have been Satan himself.

I gave you everything to the point that I almost lost myself, had nothing for myself. I felt everything that I do would result to you loving me back as genuinely as I could. But you didn’t.

On those 1 year that we had, it was just all a lie.

On my back, you were chatting strangers. You were using messenger to hook up with them. And as I reflect on those days, we we’re still happy being in-love. I was so genuinely happy being in-love with you knowing that you do really are in-love with me too. But, I guess you really were never in-loved with me.

You just wanted some attention. Some motherly care from someone without giving something in return. You wanna be loved passionately, but you don’t want to do the same thing. You just wanna be loved passionately by someone but not loving them back as much as they love you.

I don’t know if you had just some issues from your mother that you wanted to fixate. Or probably you had just been used to hating and using girls for your pleasure.

I tried so hard but in the end it doesn’t even matter.

You never changed the way as I expected or wished you to be. You were still the same person I loved unconditionally, but was not yet ready to love me back unconditionally in return. You just wanna play. You never wanted to commit to someone.

As I look back, I don’t know if I can love someone again.

Because of you, I grew some trust issues about people.

Because of you, I don’t wanna trust anyone again.

Because of you, I don’t wanna love again. For now.

I am always wishing you well. I hope you find what you look for. I hope you find someone who’d make you feel like the world is stopping for a couple of seconds because you are so in-love. I hope you find a love that lasts. A love that never gets tired to give you everything you want and who’s willing to sacrifice and risk themselves just for you.

Our relationship has failed, and there’s always this saying that:

 once love fails, it’s not really love at the first place. 

But I want you to know that I loved you more than myself, which has been mistake.

You are the first mistake I had ever wronged to take seriously with, and that makes me mad. I wanna take up revenge in you but I know it will just be worthless. I will let God do His own work with you, and not me because I am not able to hurt you.

I just hope that after all these suffering, I’d be happy and have all the things that I wished for in my life. That’s all.

I don’t wanna be the worst person. I know that God is alive and I rest my case with His hands.

I now forgive you for hurting me because probably you came from a worst and broken relationships. You hurt me because you were worst back then and you didn’t know how to love, rather how to recognize genuine love. I forgive you.

I also forgive myself for not thinking about myself because I had loved you so much that I wanted you to be that happy person you were back then on your younger days. I feel so sorry for those people who hurt you that’s why I tried fixing you.

I had hurt and made people feel worst in my younger days because I didn’t know how to love them. I was scared of loving someone. I was scared of love because I am so busy at making myself grow into a better student and a better person through joining leadership youth organizations. Love was an alien and taboo topic for me.

Maybe you are the karma of this everything. Maybe you were the price I am paying for. Maybe I shouldn’t had dared to love at the first place.

I thought I was ready to loving someone after I landed the dream job that I wanted. But probably, I am not ready yet. Because I will still always choose on improving myself and making myself grow into a better person everyday.

And maybe, love wasn’t just one of my priorities.

I hope you well and happy.

All I hope is for us to be both well, my first and last love.