Though I always wanna talk to you, I don’t wanna bother you anymore. Ever again. That’s why here I am on the verge of unfollowing you on all social media accounts we’re connected at, because though this may seem exaggerated or unnecessary, I just really have to stop seeing your name and photos anywhere. This is my only chance at finally trying to stop liking you — and I hope it really helps because this is a risk to our friendship. You may or may not notice this, but just in case you do, I hope you don’t react negatively. I don’t know till when I must do this. Or if I’ll ever do. But I will really try my best to get back to you as a friend — without feeling anything for you more than that. Some say I must at least let you know that I like you before I let you go — which is ironic because there’s nothing about you for me to let go of since I haven’t even had you, right? But truth be told, it indeed is harder to let go of something or someone you haven’t really had because it’s like trying to keep a handful of sand only to find them falling as you grasp them tightly. It’s like trying to write a promise on water which will eventually get erased as soon as it is written. It’s trying to inhale all the air around you only to find yourself exhausted because you will never be able to do that.

But though I have considered telling you my feelings for a lot of times — and I really mean that — a bigger part of me reminds me that I should not do so because it’s just not right. I have nothing against women who initiate and make the first move, in fact, I admire them so much for their courage and strength because that’s a little rare nowadays. And somehow, it just manifests how strong and sincere their feelings are for the guy they like. A lot of times I thought I could be that kind of woman, too, but I chose and choose not to. It’s just that, much as I welcome and appreciate how modern and changed things and norms are, I still distinguish myself as that type who continues to embrace the traditional. And for me, it’s not an issue to still believe and live by the traditions of letting men take the lead. At times I get shy that I still live by the old norms but I’ve realized I must take pride in it. It’s just a matter of personal preferences and there’s nothing wrong about that. Women can feel empowered in so many different ways. As for me, I still cling on what the Bible says, that men should take the lead because they were designed to take the lead. As a woman of faith, this means a lot to me. And I keep on reminding myself every time I’m triggered to just confess my feelings to the man I like, “I should not chase after him because I am the catch.” This is not about me thinking so highly of myself. It’s just that for me, I know my worth and I know what I deserve. I am worth pursuing. I am worth seeking. I am worth loving. And a love that is strong and brave enough to actually present itself to me is what I deserve. God’s will for me is what I deserve. People may call me idealistic or hopeless romantic or any other names and terms, but this time I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t mind because I am finally sure that my decision to wait is right. At times I may get impatient and insecure (and I really do. I often do), but I should always remember that I am secured in God’s plans and promises.

So there they are — my reasons for not telling you I like you though I like you so damn much. And yes, I’ve written all of them here, but you’re never going to read them because I’m never gonna send this to you. These are for my girl friends‘ eyes only (and to anyone who will read my blog, just in case I decide to post it.) For now, all I can and must do is to pray for you. Yes, I will pray for you. I have always prayed for you, and you know that because I’ve always told you that — when we were still on speaking terms. I actually don’t know why we stopped talking. You just sort of drifted away but I don’t blame nor question you for that. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. I’ll always pray for you, not for you to be mine, but for you to always be happy, healthy, and safe. I won’t be able to tell you these straight to your inbox and more so to your face, but God knows that a lot of my prayers and stories are about you. And I will let that be as long as I have this thing for you. I will try to let this fade, but I won’t force for it to happen so quickly because that’s just gonna make it worse. Instead, I’m gonna let it die a natural death — like what they say. I don’t know when it’s gonna be, but I know it will happen.

The waiting is crucial and challenging. Painful, even. But this, too, like any other trial, shall pass. There are wonders in waiting. There is wisdom in waiting. And God is working in my waiting. Nothing beats God’s time and will. So dear heart, be a little more patient. And self, don’t just wait for the right one, okay? Be the right one, too. Let’s continue feeding ourself with lessons, light, and love. ❤️

— s.