I thought it’s the best thing that I never had.
This is for every one who thinks that their life is already done when every thing they had in mind and planned for their own did not end up so well.
This is for every one who thinks that they already gave their all but it turned out that they just lost every thing and it was not all worth it.
This is for every one who thinks that life had never been a fair play to them because they don’t usually get what they want when all they ever wanted is to have a perfect ending in a world that was too imperfect to fit in.
This is for myself who just wrote exactly every thing she feels almost every single day and to every one who have been feeling the same things right now, this is for all of us.
It’s quite unusual for someone like me to write a blog who had just decided to shut my life from most of the social media sites where people are always active. I wanted to pause for a while and take time to think, stay away from the world and stop myself from compromising with all its selfish standards that I know I can’t really be. I may sound selfish and too cliche but yes, I distanced myself to save it.
Ever wondered how will it be if all of us here gets exactly what we wanted to be at the end of the day? Well sometimes.. uh no, most of the time it comes to my mind. Even though I already know the answer, I just keep on looking for more because I myself often fail.
To be honest, I know I am not the most rightful person to do this kind of blog because lately I’ve been feeling empty and lonely. I feel like all the insecurities I had with me before keeps on coming back to destroy me and slowly tearing me apart. This is not the first time, it happened to me back then and I’m afraid that I might lose myself once more without anyone to help me get it all back together because I have this feeling that no one will ever understand me, maybe some but there are more chances that they will just all leave me on the same spot where they all saw me. I’m scared to tell them the reasons behind all of my suffering because I don’t want them to think of me anymore. I don’t want to be their other heavy burden so I don’t show them my realest emotion when I’m with them, I laugh, I tell jokes, I try to listen to all of their stories and give words of encouragement that I honestly wanted to hear also for myself because it was all the least things that I could do and if sometimes I fail, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. If ever I failed to make you feel happy and satisfied around me, maybe I will just try again this time and I hope this will somehow lift you up.
I know it’s not just me who is feeling like this, I know most of us were in the same track. We feel bad about ourselves, we always think that we have to work hard to be enough, to be acceptable enough to people who surrounds us. We wanted to be loved, we wanted feel the same amount of love that we gave to someone but then they can’t and it hurts us so bad. We feel like all of the best things in life are not meant for us because they are all just the best things we would never have. But what if these things are really not yet the best? what if we just missed out all the best things for us because we keep on looking and following the things that we think are already the best for us? what if the tag line “best thing I had never had” is actually “I thought it’s the best thing I never had.” It may sound too cliche again but it’s something that we should really think of. Maybe we get broken for so many times and we always come to a point when we question ourselves why of all people it’s always me? and it’s all normal. Believe me, I grew up with all the love but it’s just me who keeps on looking for the love I thought I deserved so I over looked so many things. I always think that maybe there is something wrong about me because I don’t look perfect to people and I am someone who is easy to compare. I always think that no one appreciates me because I am always the first one to appreciate them and it hurts to get nothing back in return. I always think that all of the sad songs were written for me because those are all the same things I feel inside. I always dream that one day, someone will come to me and say that I am a beautiful piece of art and I am enough. Then all of a sudden I realized that what if it’s really all just me? we always think of this, dream of that, feel this and that and it was all just mere overthinking because we are not contented and that’s the real reason why we are unhappy. We tend to forget that there is Someone up there who has better plans for us. We set our own path without knowing that He had set the perfect path for us and we missed to take it because we already have our self-made best thing and not God’s best thing for us.
I don’t know what will happen after I published this, maybe I will still seek for time and space but this time I will not do it alone anymore, I will do it now with God until the time comes that I can finally say it’s not the best thing and it’s good I never had it.
