Today, I finally let go of you – not “you” you, but my feelings for you.
To the ones who brought fleeting feelings of elation.
To the I-thought-for-sure-was-the-one but has never been.
To the person who was the reason I love sleeping at the school library.
To the person I had a crush since first year college, accepted my friend request even with no common friend (at that time), unknowingly broke my heart, and is celebrating his birthday today.
To the one who requested I’ll sing the song Perfect and blocked me on Facebook.
To the one intellect who made me believe that knowledge, wisdom, and good diction makes a man more attractive than good looks.
To the one who let me listen to his songs and lost his tune in life.
To the one who went along with the teasing and small flirtations only to reveal a little while he has a girlfriend.
To the one who made me believe I can find joy in the small gesture, sweet smile without speaking anything.
To the ones who made me experience all the little butterflies in the stomach and breath-taking, breath-stopping, and even awkward moments.
And, yes, even to you, my long lost dream to be an NBI agent or army, whose result expiration will take effect next year this same month.
I finally let go of you.
I am writing this because in auditing’s concept, if it’s not documented, it did not happen.
Like Ulysses in Homer’s Odyssey, I came to believe that the only way not to be lured to temptation is to be “tied in the mast”, tight and fast.
I build walls which myself could not even break down. When feelings get high, I get scared and became in defensive mode.
Maybe that’s why you never pursued..
Maybe that’s why you gave up..
Maybe that’s why the emotions died down.
Even my dreams, they seem an unfulfilled nightmare.
I had the circumstances blamed. But who do I kid? Most of the time, my fingers are pointed towards me.
No, I do not give up. Today, I let go.
I want to let go of all my hopes and dreams for myself and for my love life and come to the end of myself.
I want to be me based not on the emotions this world can offer but based on the security of my worth in the One who created me in the first place.
I want to surrender my “waiting” and “seeking” for the right one when I had to work on being the right one first.
I had to re-instill my stronghold that when he comes, we would hold not on the idealism that we can’t live not being together, but on the reality that we can but we choose to be together.
And if he will not come, I will not lose heart.
Because my value as a person is not and should never be rested on any person who may disappoint or hurt me at any moment in life, but on the One who longed to seek my heart and soul without asking anything in return.
I do not need to wait for a man to fight for me because He has promised to go before me.
It is written, “You have seen my affliction, you have known the distress of my soul… My times are in your hand.” You know the depths of my heart. You know my cries, my desires, my joy, my treasures, and even the things that once replaced you in my heart.
As I was listening to certain music, I came across this song with an introductory message saying, “In the midst of all this, the prayer that I keep saying was “Jesus, can you just change these things?”… But He’s chosen not to stop these things just yet. And I’m finding out that, sometimes, the best question is not “Jesus, can you change these things around me?” but instead, “God can you change me so that I can handle things that you’re walking me through?”
Lord, to the ones who touch my heart in different ways, let it be Yours today and every day. Unlike Ulysses, I want to be the Orpheus in Homer’s Odyssey who become lost into the sweeter song – that I may become oblivious of the temptations, waves, and even the possible rock-hitting sail.
Finally, let me be Yours first before anyone else.
12-October-2018
