I remember every detail about you; that birthmark on your shoulder you used to hide because you were shy about, that curly hair and tanned skin that you hate but I love.
I remember the way you laugh, the way you cry, the way you try not to fall asleep while listening to someone’s story. I remember your loud snore that made me once scared. I remember how you used to come over to my house unexpectedly. I remember you leaving your lunch at my door when I told you I haven’t eaten yet. I remember the stars and the sky we used to watch while we’re talking about life. I remember how your kind acts, how you
switch-place with me and gently pull me aside as we walk on the pavement. I remember all the stories and music we shared. I remember all the places you took me to because you thought I’d appreciate them. I remember how you took pictures of me in every good place. I remember you in every sunset. I remember how we used to run towards the rain while everyone was running away from it. I remember you in every movie we agreed to like.
I remember how brave I am whenever I am with you.
I remember you in the most beautiful way.
But I also remember you on your worst days. I remember you hanging up the phone. I remember myself waiting outside your house to make things up. I remember you refusing to go out and telling me to just go home instead. I remember joking about my body, calling it “disgusting”. I remember you telling me that I deserved all the pain that I’ve been through in the past. I remember you embarrassing me in front of your family, leaving me in the kitchen with your mom, and walking to your room. I remember you shutting every door, leaving me with all the questions in my head.
I remember that night. I remember how we talked over the phone. I remember every word. I remember how I wasn’t able to stand up, flooding the floor with tears.
I remember holding myself together and keeping it all in, not telling anyone about what happened fearing what they will think of you.
I remember you pushing me away and asking me to stay at the same time.
How can I forget you? How can I forget the most painful and best thing that ever happened to me?
And it’s funny how I remember all these things but forgot one thing – to be angry.
I can’t feel anger, it’s all just pain.
I put too much hope in you, not leaving some for myself.
Now, without you here, I feel like every day gets worse.
And if I can be honest, there’s not a single moment that I did not revisit your monument in my mind.
But maybe this is how I cope just to not run back to you again.
So I’ll revisit our memories a million times but no matter how painful it gets, in the end, I’ll stand firm on my ground and won’t come back to you again.
I’m afraid to lose you, but I’m more afraid to lose myself.
Not again.
I’ll remember everything so hard that I’ll make sure they won’t happen again.
