Pain

Everyone blames you for what they chose to do. Everyone despise you. Everyone wishes you to be gone yet you teaches them the greatest lessons. I know it’s been a long time since we met. I wish we didn’t but I’m thankful that we have.

My dad used to play guns with me when I was still young. I felt happy for my 7th birthday gift from him. A pellet gun. We used to shoot birds in the roof and I wished. I wished to be a cop one day. Just like him. But I never imagined that those bullets will take him away from me. That. That was our first encounter. I met you when an old man tells my mom on the phone that my dad won’t be coming back.

And then I get to know you more. Weeks. Months. Years. I changed my mind of becoming a cop. Thinking about how I should be over you.

Sometimes I saw my mom crying. Sometimes I hear her sob. Then I know you met her too. But I never wanted for you to stay.

Then I wanted to be a doctor. Because I want to save lives and stop letting people meet you. I studied hard. My mom was excited to see me march in the stage and smile. At last, my mom smiled.

I thought I got rid of you but you still find a way to get near me. A day after, my mom died with cancer she used to hide.
And I blamed you. I curse you. I hate you. Because I am a doctor now but I failed to save the very first person I wanted to protect.

I blame you for staying with me.
I blame me for being me.

Years pass by and a patient asked me.
“How do you turn pain into something beautiful?” and I can’t speak. Because I’ve been with you for years and years yet I never found the answer to that question.
I told the patient that I did not know. She held my hand and say,

“Forgive.”

I realized, I’ve been shutting doors with forgiveness because of you. I’ve been denying that it isn’t my fault. I’ve been restraining myself to happiness because of you.

And now I learned to let you go. Because I met forgiveness.

Farewell, Pain.