September 6, 2019||It’s your birth month

Do you know how much I miss you?

I read your letters. Over and over and over again. I wonder what you were thinking when you wrote those words. I wonder how I made you felt that made you write those words. I wonder how confident you were when you wrote those words. I wonder if you will ever write those words again.

Do you know how much I miss you?

I imagine you in front of me. Sometimes, I try to ignore you. Sometimes, I smile at you. Sometimes, I frown. Sometimes, I cry. But most of the time, I just stare. I imagine your eyes staring back at me. I wonder what’s on your mind. Did you have something to say? Sometimes, I see you crying. Sometimes, you’re expressionless. Sometimes, you’re frowning. And barely, you smile. Sometimes, I hear you telling me you love me. But most of the time, you say nothing.

Do you know how much I miss you?

Each time I wake up and see the ceiling, it reminded me of you. It was another day, but I didn’t have to rush to open my laptop to send you a good morning. I just had to say it in my head. I wonder what time you woke up. But each day that passes by, I don’t wonder anymore. It just ruins me. However, what I do wonder about, was how you felt every day.

Do you know how much I miss you?

I thought the sky turned gray when you left. But I woke up one day and it was all blue. A beautiful blue sky. But whether or not it was gray or blue in my eyes, it still reminded me of you. We’re under the same sky. Just the thought of it makes me smile a bit, not as much as it used to. I don’t look at birds anymore. If I do, I hear you say that I’m easily distracted.

Do you know how much I miss you?

School started about 2 weeks ago. I want to sleep in the car much more than before. Not because I’m sleepy, but because I pass by every road we took, every building we saw, even the mini supermarket that had your favorite ice cream. But every time I close my eyes, my head ached. I tried to deny it, but I really wanted to see. I wanted to reminisce the times we held hands on my way back home. When I do, I look away. I close my eyes again. It hurt too much.

Do you know how much I miss you?

I dream about you every single night. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hate it either. It made me miss you more. And I didn’t want to. It hurt too much. Waking up and realizing I wasn’t in your arms. But most importantly, even in my dream, I was uneasy. In my dream, I knew I was dreaming, yet I try to convince myself it’s real. It’s pathetic. Being in your arms, your eyes staring back at mine, your fingers intertwined with mine, I wanted it to be real.

Do you know how much I—

I read your letter again tonight. I buried it at the bottom of my box again. I don’t know why I keep doing that when I just bring it out every now and then. “How can I move on when I’m still in love with you?” Sounds familiar? The Script. Yeah, some words just hit me like lightning and thunder.

I miss you. I leave it at that. I wonder if you’ll still be my story after tonight, after tomorrow night, after many nights… I wonder how much I love you to be driven this way.

Next paragraph, next sentence, next word, it’s all you. It’s all about you. I can’t write about anything else, it’s difficult. I don’t know why. Even though tears come running down my face every time I write about you, I do it anyway.

I’ve got nothing else. Nothing else I can do. I can’t show you this right now, but one day, someday. You will be reading this. With or without tears in your eyes. With or without love in your heart. With or without me in your life. You’ll read this and you’ll remember me. These eyes that stared at yours, these hands that held your face, these arms that held you closer to me, these lips that kissed your lips, this face drowning in tears when remembering you. You’ll remember me. And by then, you will know. I loved you.