Writing this to share (some of) my experiences and observations during my short-lived journey on dating apps, particularly Tinder and Ok Cupid(OKC), as these are what I tried and tested. Regardless, I think any other dating app works pretty much the same way.
At first, I was skeptical to try these sites cause in my mind it will be a desperate move and users of these were just a bunch of perverts looking for hook ups. Ok, I was wrong about that. Just to be fair, I found and talked to a deal of decent guys who are, maybe like me, does not have time or opportunity to meet different people and whose world is confined with the crowd of only work and home.
I am originally pessimistic when I thought of writing about this but I decided to be more objective as I go on. 😊 So here are my thoughts:
1. It is Fun to use. When you’re bored, it’s a pretty interesting way to kill time. Reading profiles, swiping left and right then chatting with your matches. I find OKC’s interface more enjoyable as those who liked you can message you already and you can read them. It also shows in percentage how much you are matched with the candidate. The profiles in OKC are kinda productive as compared to tinder mainly because they are guided with questions for you to get to know the person better before you decide to swipe right/left. I wonder if these guys have copy-pasted their awesome bios. On the first few days, I already got a lot of hi’s, hello’s and sweet messages from random men because they think I’m pretty and cute (I know I am, but I am surely more than that). To be honest, it felt good. To be noticed. To be liked. But then as I ponder, I asked, am I letting myself to get validation from these guys who don’t know me? So if they like me I am valuable? And if they don’t like me? would that mean otherwise? Yes, unconciously, I am starting to let them dictate my value and I think it is not a smart way of guarding my heart.
2. There are many users. I also tried a Christian dating site before but then I just ended up deleting it at once cause there are no users. But in OKC, and in just a couple of days, I already got 500 plus likes and a number of matches. More users, more options, more chances to talk or date someone. However, being able to talk or date a match wouldn’t mean success in your Tinder journey. Oftentimes, they are just meant to end there and nothing more. So you have to try and try until you find your real match and if you don’t then congratulations for wasting your time. Hahaha There comes the negative! I know. But it’s true.
3. Don’t have to be annoyed with repetition. There are more choices, remember? So, you’d get a couple of guys messaging you almost at the same time, asking the same questions such as “where you’re from?”, “what you do for a living?”, following it up with “how does it work?”. It is not fun to repeatedly answer those (and to ask those), I swear. You’d hope to skip them but it can’t be. It is also distracting when your phone notifs keep on bugging you, saying someone liked or messaged and you can’t help but check out and reply. This distracts the busy and productive woman in me. Fine, I should partly blame my discipline.
4. Everyone seems to be playing safe. At the least that’s how I saw and felt as I interacted with those guys. Best foot forward. Careful so the opposite sex will not lose interest. It felt like they are hiding something. Bottom line, it is so hard to trust them, really. I, myself have the same tendency because I do not want to reveal much about me. I am playing safe too. Can we be led to something fruitful if we are both playing safe? I wonder again.
5. Defrauding is rampant. Defrauding is starting something you couldn’t finish like expressing romantic interest to someone making the other party activate “the assumera” in her/him. Defrauding is a normal tendency to occur among single people as they look for relationships. But being normal doesn’t mean it is right. Our church is teaching and reminding us religiously to guard each other’s hearts so as not to defraud and get defrauded. These dating apps are encouraging this defrauding thing because the normal occurrence, and you have no choice but to accept it, would be to just move on if your matched suddenly stopped (without explanation), communicating with you or seeing you (even after expressing much interest). Then you’d be left wondering what you’ve done wrong or if you’re not good enough. Sucks you know! Hahaha. Yes, it happened to me with some guys I liked back. Just when I’ve decided to give them a chance to be my real friend, they disappeared. Well, it’s your loss people. Hahaha. I will also not play saint because I, too, may have stirred up something I didn’t intend to finish with some men there. Example, there’s this guy I promised to give my viber number once its fixed when in reality my viber isn’t even broken.
You see, the feeling of rejection is most likely. At first you thought you are just playing around, playing with emotions, just for the sake of fun. What’s the point? Tssssss.. The effect of being defrauded may be damaging. That’s why I think that use of these dating apps is a dangerous attempt to find the right one especially when you have good intentions. Getting disappointed is highly common. Weeks ago, my girl friend was stood up by a guy she agreed to meet in person and this was at the last minute. Jerk or not?
In conclusion, these Tinder-and-OKC thing is not at all that bad. Personally, I think that it can be a good platform to meet a wide-range of people. However, there will be risks and you have to be ready for it. Since this is dating, it involves emotions that if not handled well can make or break a person. Even with proper mind-setting and expectations you still can’t avoid to get hurt when feelings are concerned.
After 2 months of being a user, I’ve decided to delete the apps. I am not a slave of the concept of being in a relationship, nor getting married nor having sex. That’s not all for my life to be considered complete, happy and fulfilled. And using these makes me feel that I am being enslaved. It is indeed dangerous for my heart and well-being. The risks, for me, are not that of worth to take. I realized too, that I wouldn’t find who I’m looking for in there. The person I am looking for is I believe somewhere else.
You may think that I am just bitter. So be it. These are my opinion anyway. I heard stories of people finding their lifetime partner in there but just how many percent of the tinder population gets that chance to be with their “happily ever after”? and how many were left emptier and more broken than before? I wonder again and again (I would research when I get the time).
So, for anyone reading this and experienced the same, please know that you are loved beyond your ability to comprehend. You don’t have to seek validation and acceptance from anybody because Jesus has long before accepted you and offered genuine love when He died on the cross. I was reminded of this when I was questioning my value already after being rejected by these men I barely knew. God doesn’t want us to settle for any less because we were bought for a price. I want to encourage you to proactively wait for that future husband. Claim it. Declare it. Prepare for it by keeping your way pure and holy. Prepare for it by practicing to give love to the people around you. Give utmost respect to every opposite sex that you’d meet (God loves them too). Be careful not to stir up anything if you do not have any plan of being responsible for one’s emotions.
If we delight in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts. That’s for sure because He is a faithful God. We just have to believe.
“Oh let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer. Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe- and you’re ready.” Solomon 3:5 MSG Bible (Proof that defrauding is not okay)
