“Do you really love me?”
That was the question that made me stopped while I’m having a good yet ugly crying moment tonight here in my room. With all the situations that have been happening right now— the COVID-19 pandemic; status of the nation; financial brokenness; emotional and depression tendencies; pressure and fear of tomorrows; frustrations of supposed-to-be-vacation trips; stressed with all the local and international news and so many unnamed fears that become my daily struggle to deal with, my heart and mind are waging wars. Bawling with so many tears in my eyes while my mind keeps rewinding my hurtful pasts and my heart busy rummaging the pain, my lips just decided for myself, “I give up! I cannot do these anymore! I deserved to be loved more than this! I want to break-up with You!”
Why do all these things happening? Why do I have to deal with all the brokenness? I am tired already! It seems You never really heard me at all. I felt like I am the one doing the chase, like You never care with all the hurt and pain I am in right now. It’s as if You already abandoned and forsaken me. Maybe You got tired of my stories how my day went by, or maybe You just don’t want to deal with all my dramas anymore. If I know, You surely have those thoughts that You didn’t sign-up for this. Having relationship with me, watching and taking care of a nagging-complaining-primadonna-slash-most-of-the-time-drama-queen-me.
And because I don’t feel like talking to Him right now, I keep avoiding His call and all His messages to me. I keep making up excuses just to avoid my confrontation with Him. I really hate confrontations!
Then in his Loud but soft and clear voice, He asks me, “Do you really love me? If not, then who do you love?”
That made me stopped. I was speechless with His question.
Who do I love? Of course I love Him! Or maybe loved? I don’t know!
It’s just that I don’t want to deal with Him right now. And as my eyes got tired of crying, that was when I look at Him and saw His eyes— full in tears reflecting the pain and love He have for me. It was then that I realize that He was crying with me all along.
In my mind, I resented my selfishness. But in my heart, the pain justifies it all.
“I care for you and sustain you.” He started. ” I know the tears you cried that I even put it in bottles and even kept record of your miseries. I never left nor abandoned you, I also went ahead of you. I never grow weary and get tired of all your dramas, I am not easily angered and keeps no record of your wrong. You may think it your way but I am patient with you even if your patience is running out. I am kind more than you know. You can take rest and hold on to My Word for I never lie and will never change My mind. What I promise to you will surely happen when the time is right. I will not always accuse you nor harbor My anger for you forever. My love for you is as high as the heavens above and as far as the east is from the west, also, already forgiven your transgressions. I love you that I never hesitated to give you the Most Precious and Valuable Treasure I have. You just have to trust Me for I have My plans.”
As my mouth shut with the thrown question at me, I am more speechless with the declaration of Love I heard! The confession of Love that will surely make one’s heart melted, for more than hundred times again and again! More than the confession I heard from someone who once promised will stay for a lifetime but left anyway.
Even if I have faith and often communicate, there are still those moments that I got blinded by my own efforts that I questioned my worth if I really deserve to be loved in His way when I thought it should be more than that. Because of the pain and hurt I feel at the moment, I easily forget the Love He once and for all demonstrated, the Battle that He fought and won for me, His every gifts I always received even I didn’t ask for it. Because I got consumed of my fears, worries and anxiety, I slowly slip away from Him and put my trust in myself thinking that I know better than He. Because of the frustration I have in my relationship with Him, I tend to see the circumstances more than I see Him that made me put Him aside or sometimes just leave Him alone. I became expectant and too consumed of the things I asked of Him yet He didn’t answer more than being appreciative of all the things.
As I just keep looking in His eyes now with full of Love just for me, even before the word sorry slip out of my mouth, I feel the abounding and unconditional Love once again. It was like the first time I encountered Him, but more deeper and intimate. There’s an overwhelming joy, peace and comfort that I cannot explain but surely know that Only comes from Him.
He reached out His hand to me and say, “I forgive you. No matter how drama queen you are, I love you and will always be your King, never leaving you, never forsaking you, never letting you go. Will you accept me again?”
I cried again, this time because of the overwhelming joy. I nod and accept His hand, “Yes, Jesus. I accept You again.”
And once again, through His Grace and Mercy for me, I experience how wide, long, high and deep is the love of Christ— King of Kings, Lord of Lords.