I am tired of this “okay-then-not-okay” cycle as part of the healing process.

Emotional pain affects every aspect of your life. When you are heart-broken, your physical body is unable to function properly, and your mental health suffers as well.

I despise my current situation. I wish I had the ability to instantly heal myself.

The healing process is bizarre. There are days when I feel fine and alive, but then there are days when I can’t get out of bed. I long for the old me. The carefree and happy me. If I could go back to the day I met him, I’d seize the opportunity to stop any feelings that were developing at the time. However, there is no time machine to do it.

I’m tired of this cycle. I tried to distract myself from thinking about him by watching a movie or enrolling in some online courses to learn more about my profession. I also attempted to meet up with friends for some light chit-chat and coffee. But seriously, these activities exhaust me because I’m only doing them to avoid feeling the pain. I thought I could be myself again by doing something I enjoyed, but I was wrong; the pain remains. I tried to find an easy way out of this feeling, but there was none.

There are days when I feel okay. I’m not super okay, but I can manage to finish a Netflix episode, or write. I can also get out of bed to exercise and take a bath. Seriously, I can’t take a shower sometimes because my mind is racing and juggling multiple tasks is too much for me. When I’m feeling good, I can drink my coffee at work. To be honest, when I am not okay, I either let the coffee cool or don’t drink it at all. I’m just used to preparing it when I have to work.

Then there are times when I feel the pain all over again. It’s as if all the memories keep coming back. The pain I’ve felt since he abandoned me feels like it happened an hour ago. The news that he’s now pursuing someone else has set my heart racing once more. I can’t get out of bed because I overthink everything. My tears won’t stop, and I feel like I want to end everything because this is such a draining cycle. I can’t focus. If I could just sleep all day, I wouldn’t have time to feel it or overthink it.

I can’t even recognize myself in the mirror. My face appears exhausted. I despise the fact that I stress-eat and sometimes don’t have an appetite. I hate everything, including foods that were once my favorites and the places I once found relaxing. What am I doing wrong? I’ve been here for three months now. I feel like I’m going in circles.

My friends are curious about what happened. I tried to avoid the topic as I am not yet ready to share it. Some of my friends are aware of it while others are not. To keep my feelings from being bottled up, I know I need to share this experience with others. However, repeatedly sharing it from the top makes me feel as though my heart is being stabbed. And besides, I want to protect his image. So I’d rather be by myself right now than talk about it.

They say I should get mad at him for breaking my heart and abandoning me in such a way. I tried to, but I can’t. To be honest, I wish he would feel the same thing. I wish the tables would soon turn and he would be in so much pain—rejected, abandoned, and left out. But, as I examined myself at the time, I realized that was not me—it was evil of me to think that way.  Am I blind for not hating him? I am sure I am no longer wearing my rose-colored glasses. Even if he never apologized, I chose to forgive him and try to understand the situation as to why he did that. I don’t, however, regret meeting him. He used to make me laugh. I admit that I enjoyed being around him. He was cool. It’s only my pain that’s talking right now—flashbacks to what happened hurt.

I know I should accept the fact that our season has ended and can’t be restored. That something good is going to happen after this. There is a reason why this happened, and there is hope that I will be whole again. But it appears to be extremely difficult right now. I wonder how long I’ll be stuck in this state before I heal. I don’t want it to be this way for another year.

Every night, I beg God to take away this pain. But I know he won’t take it away from me because I need to learn from it. So, instead of asking Him to take away my pain, I ask Him for the strength to get through each day and the wisdom to make sound decisions. I know God is with me on this journey, and he’s always available to listen to me.

To those who are broken-hearted, I know you are also tired of this “okay-then-not-okay” cycle as part of the healing process. But please, hang in there.

Photo by Abbie Bernet on Unsplash