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I was suicidal.
I was depressed.
I was lonely.
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I was left behind by the closest-friend I have, I have failed my classes that I spent so much time and effort studying, I have lost a friend, my families are struggling, I have no one to talk with, I am hurting, I was dying inside. And I was all alone.
I am inside my dark room, feeling numb, my heart wanted to cry but there’s no tear falling. My mind is full of the things that had happened to me, full of people I used to have, full of good memories that I don’t want to remember. I can hear a whisper. I don’t want to end my life, but my body wants to. I was numb, I want to feel hurt.
I am hurting myself by bumping my head to the wall, there were times I wanted to jump out of the car I am riding into, there were times I am holding my wrist real hard. I need to hurt myself, I feel numb, yet my heart is hurting.
Until one night, I finally have decided. I have decided to end. My mind was fixed, ready to stand up in the bed where my body is lying, hearing a voice to get a sharp knife, already imagining what could happen, I maybe afraid, but my body wants to.
When I am about to stand up,
I heard a still small voice.
A still small voice.
“Talk to me”
I am resisting, I know it won’t help. I am trying to gain strength standing up to prepare my end.
“Talk to me”
And I closed my eyes.
“Lord, tulong.” That’s all what I can say.
“Lord, tulong.” for the second time around.
Until all I can remember was a pillow full of tears. Full of heartaches, full of sadness. My heart is still heavy, but in that moment, I know I was saved.
I was saved.
With all my strength and transparency, I asked the Lord.
“Lord, bakit?”
I heard nothing.
“Lord, bakit?”
No answer.
I read his word.
And I was lead in this verse.
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
-Luke 22:42-44
The Lord didn’t answer me.
He didn’t answer my question. But he let me know three things.
He understands us. “being in anguish”
He understands what I am having through, He understands my hurts, He sees my tears, He sees my pain, and He understands it, because He himself experienced it himself. He was betrayed, was all alone, and has to face a very devastating trial.
He will strengthen us. “strengthened him”
If there’s no pain, then we wouldn’t need Him. If there’s no hurts, then we wouldn’t ask for Him. He made us experience all the pains because He wants to show His grace by giving us strength, and that made us need Him, long for Him, ask for Him. And this is a reminder that in everything that I have to go through, He promised to strengthen us.
He will use us. “not my will, but yours be done.”
God uses Jesus, that He has to go through pains and hurts to save us. The same thing with our pains and hurts. God will use our pains and hurts, for a greater purpose, for a beautiful testimony, for a wonderful glory.
The Lord didn’t answered my question. But he let me know that He’s there.
And in that moment.
There may be times I still struggle.
There may be times I want to end my life.
I will always remember this story of mine,
That is now a testimony.
Of Him.
Being there in each phase of our lives.
He got us.
