I can’t be just your best friend

We started out to be friends and turn into best friends. It was great and feels right back then, we used to have our lunch together in my house, ignoring the burning heat from the sun even our skin went tanning and shower with sweat but the laughs we shared on the way beat it all. The day has come that you met this girl and eventually she became your lover, I became an outcast and you became distant to me. I was left hanging, wondering what went wrong between us, watching you from afar seems like watching the moon at night, looking so near yet too far to reach. Two years passed and I was longing for my old best friend and then suddenly you reach out to me, I was supposed to be happy, but my jealousy eats me when I saw her behind your back, her smile at me kills me and how you glanced at her torn me apart. I can’t remember when this started, but I just come to school one day and noticed that my heart skipped every time I see you even your scent gave me uneasiness feeling. I cannot even look at you in the eyes, which is weird cause I used to stare at those beautiful glimmering eyes of yours. I miss you so much that I would reminisce every memory we had and wish that I can turn back time. I partly blame myself for not confronting you earlier, that’s why this feeling of longing and jealousy turn out to be something least that I could expect to happen. I came to realize that all those years that I silently watched you from a distance, thinking of you in the middle of my silent nights and eager to catch your attention, I built this “infatuation”. I was sober and clearly know where it could lead me, but my mistake is I tolerate that little feeling little did I know that it would grow. My mind is as clear as the ocean that there will be no Us and will never because I desperately want to forget and bury those growing feelings of mine for you. We used to be best friends and if ever I will pursue what my heart started to dictate to me, it would get things complicated which is the least that I want to happen. We don’t go to the same university at college, which is favored to me and I really choose to study miles away from you thinking that distance would make my feelings and stupidity fade. Fortunately, we got no calls or connections. I’m introduced to a new bunch of friends and somehow forget you. It was months that I don’t hear anything from you and I start to have a crush on this guy who really helps me to totally not think of you. And then faith is really playing a game on me which I always lost in the end. The pandemic came and I have to study at home for safety reasons. I found out that you live next to our neighborhood where you start a small business. On a very unexpected day, our paths met. We’re both shy at first perhaps it’s been a very long while since the last time we gotten to face each other. You changed a lot, more mature, the old skinny best friend is now looking healthy and I must say it fits you, your new features. I tried to find something inside me, but I sighed in relief that you don’t give the same effect to me as before. We are both in our older version, none the loud, clumsy, and cheeky one. We’re starting to build another friendship and this time I was not afraid, but excited that we will have a new beginning thought that this is a good new start to finally bury and forget the past. You quickly became close with my family as I am to yours, we are both open and happy. The longer we spent together, for the second time I was so dependent on you, I got used to your presence and updates about me ’till I woke up one morning feels like I’m back to my old self that I was trying to bury a long time ago. We veiled a lot of secrets to one another, we always share shoulders in every tear and ear to lean on. I knew a lot of things about you that you said you cannot tell anyone else and I always count you in every battle I went through. You became my support system, there is a motivation I found in you that I cannot find with my family. We always root for each other, when I’m so down you are there preparing to send me motivational quotes though my pain is no longer healed with quotes knowing you pay attention to me is the best medicine. I know that this ain’t feel right and I’m about to make the same mistakes again, but this time my heart is too powerful that I’m overflowing with my emotions whenever I’m with you. I lost my sanity in every effort you do when in fact it is natural for you, it’s just that I started to put meaning on everything related to you because that satisfy my heart and it was wrong. It’s been now four years of our friendship and I was not loyal to you all those times because I secretly loved you and saw you as more than just a best friend. But how can I even spell this out if I know that you only see me as your sister? Now that these feelings and secrets that I’ve been keeping from you for years are just so heavy and I feel like confessing to you, but my fear and “what ifs” stop me, I know that there would be big consequences that I have to deal if I made a decision and I just can’t imagine it all, I’m not ready enough. How crazy that I was even blinded by my illusions and daydreams, I would think that you felt the same way too, that you like me too, that you’re showing motives, but I’m afraid cause it might just be what I’m trying to set in my mind to happen. Of all people why you? My friends keep telling me to tell you this, but the first thing that comes to mind is, “I don’t want to lose you, not again” you’re one of the people that I cannot trade for anything in this world, not even with my happiness. You’re too good to be true, You did nothing but be a great companion to me just like how we used to be in our younger years. I am sorry for feeling this way, for not stopping these feelings, it’s just that I really like you, everything about you is just so perfect to me. I’m sorry for always reminding you not to keep secrets between us, but it is me who actually broke the promise. I’m sorry that I cannot help but fall for you every single day, even more. I’m sorry that I often pray and wish that you were not my best friend, cause I can’t be just your best friend. Keep grinding and keep shining my moon, I’m always walking behind your light.