I’am Strong

Don’t let your emotional tendencies ruin your mental capacity! Bakit mo nga hahayaang sirain ka nito , Kung kaya mo naman labanan dibah ??? 

I was once jobless. And it took me years to be called an employed individual. I have family issues since I can’t remember. We are not financially stable. I got bullied from grade school to high school , even from people which I thought were my friends and relatives. We don’t have any properties. We sometimes starve, but my mom always finds a way to put something for us to eat. I got rejected by people so many times. I got embarrassed and a lot of heartaches which I can’t give in detail. For me, it’s something that is depressing and not most of the time I get to talk to friends/family about my personal issues and how awful circumstances reflect my personal being. Yes, negative feedback , sometimes positive thoughts , till such time I don’t know who’ll be trusted… I’ve been physically burdened by friends/family but to be emotionally burdened? It’s too much to handle that maybe they’ll get tired of understanding my complaints, my rants, and me as a whole. Kasi nga walang nakakaintindi sa nararamdaman ko, they don’t know how much I’m struggling day by day just to survive. They don’t know what I’m up to. The only thing they knew , to criticize me , because for them they’re perceptions were something that they could definitely use to define who I am…but , I promise to prove ’em wrong…one day !!! On that day ,na makikita ko kayo appreciating who and what I’ve done good and right !!! 

Yes! I’ve been surrounded by few friends , friends which I dunno who amongst them are true…. my parents are very supportive to each of their children but sometimes there’s a hole that needs to be patched, siguro ako lang iyong nakaisip nun , pero yun ung pinaparamdam nila kaya siguro I always thought of having boundaries between us and my sisters which lead to a point  that I sometimes feel alone and empty, I get to think na saan nga ba ko dalhin ng buhay ko…   I crave the goodness of life that people get to taste, pero kahit anong menu pa na ihahain maybe the taste wouldn’t be sought, they’re taste buds… I feel like luck has never on my side and questioned why life is so unfair, na kahit gaano ka-buti pa iyong gawin mo , it seems life won’t always stays the way you dream of… that everytime I’m expecting for something which is life-changing for me, it always entails of a bad luck, like how unlucky can I get? Or sobrang napakamalas ko lang na nilalang sa mundo? I always asked God to spare me from all these bullshits in my life pero , kahit pabulong, pasigaw seems hindi ako pinapakinggan…oo Alam ko , Wala ako karapatan to question God , because I choose these path yet  I feel blessed, Yes! But there’s a lot of chances has already slipped to the most times I need them. Dahil di sa lahat ng pagkakataon na panigan ka ng mundo sa nais mo , sinabi na nga , hnd dahil yun ang hiniling mo , yun din ang ibigay sayo !!!

Rest assured that whenever I get to feel this fucking loneliness or emptiness. The only thing I’ll never get tired ay ang magdasal kahit pa minsa’y nakakabagot na…. I don’t get advice, kasi I was spoiled enough sa self ko na I am the only person whose advices or answer that I accept…pero hindi , minsan kailangan natin pakingan yung advice ng iba , not to rule over us but to help us realize that there’s something wrong in us, in me!!! But sometimes to release my thoughts, and my heaviness is enough to make me feel light.. at pakinggan ako that’s what  I need most and not a person who would only fry my heavy heart , let it burn and would stir my emotions because sometimes people think I just threw dramas sa buhay ko, oo nga , pangaralan ka or bigyan ka ng advice base lamang sa pagka-intindi nila hnd base sa kung paano ka intindihin….

To pray, come to church or talk to God, d para tawagin kang banal o deboto or isang mabuti o huwarang tao…but I don’t usually go to church….  Kasi ung pananaw ko ay mas mainam pang ipagdasal mo to ng marahan o pabulong hanggang makaramdam ka na unti-unti ka nahimasmasan. Lagi mo , isipin masama man o mabuti ang nangyari sayo lahat ay may rason, kahit gaano mo pa subukan kumawala o kalimutan ito seems like it only happened just yesterday… People comment me that I’m easy-go-lucky, that I’m witty, who joke a lot and doesn’t take things seriously but actually life is the only thing I’ve been taking seriously.

I’m 32 and hadn’t reached half of my goal, but I’m happy with what I’ve learned and where I am right now, I did my best and I knew it,  that’s why  deserve was serve and still serving a platter, so keep your emotion and mental intact and better buckle up tight because future means more to come. Problems have taken a good practice to people since Day 1 so better level up your maturity because we grow old, you can’t stop your age but it’ll stop you if you don’t give a good fight for it…fight fight lang, kahit minsan iniisip mo na dmo na kaya , iisipin mo Lang yun pero di ka susuko… because you’re strong!!!