I thought it was impossible. To feel nothing at all. Until it hit me. Six years of being single gave me a lot of time to think and save all the love that I could give to the right person who will finally be worthy of it. Then this guy came into my life (not literally), thousands of miles away from me. It was a good memory to visit. With him, I felt the love that I longed for so long. The butterflies, the overflowing of love and the excitement. At first I thought, it was gonna last. I saw my future with him. I saw a broken man and wanted to fix him. That’s when everything crumbled down. Trying to fix him, I destroyed myself. I gave him all the time, love and understanding. While trying to fill his cup, I emptied mine. I know, it’s all my fault. He never asked me to do those things. It’s me, I got overwhelmed with the idea of our long-distance relationship. After we decided to end up our relationship, my world fell apart. For months I’m still hoping for us to get back together. I cried for the nights and days that go by without him. It hurts so much that one day, I just stopped crying and felt nothing. I knew I was suppressing all those emotions. I got tired of crying and decided to stop myself. That even though I wanted to, I try so hard not to. But it became a lot more painful than I thought it would be. It was the despair and loneliness that pushed me to do things I never thought I’d do. Meeting guys and doing things with them. A deed just to validate me again, me as a woman. I thought that by fooling around, I’ll be able to forget about the pain. But it didn’t. It just led me to another level of pain. The pain of losing my self-worth. The pain of losing my identity. The pain of losing my self-love. The pain of losing my feelings. Pain took it away. The unending pain that those guys gave me, physically and emotionally, led me to become a numb person. Someone who doesn’t feel extreme happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, and fear. Someone who is ready to take her own life any minute of her miserable life.
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