REALIZATIONS after our SEPARATION

It was too quick.

It’s my fault. I forced you, I pressured you, I used you. I was hurting and I treated you like a band-aid to cover the wounds the previous one gave me. We skipped the friendship phase. We didn’t have enough time to be friends, I immediately made it a goal that we should be together, and because of that, it’s already a mistake even in the beginning.

I made you my world.

I was too hurt from the previous one that you being there for me made you my savior. You’re different from him, it was something new, something refreshing. I let myself fall and fall deeper into the pit that there was no way for me to escape that feeling.

I was blinded by love

As I fall for you, I also get blinded by it. I don’t care whether you give me the bare minimum, as long as you give me something, even if it’s as little as replying to my messages, I’m contented by it. I let myself think that it’s special, but in reality, it’s not.

I kept telling myself things will change.

But it didn’t, did it? 3 years later, we’re still here right where we started. I tried and tried and tried and I kept asking myself why did I have to? This is my fault. I shouldn’t have forced this from the start. We both ended in pain that wasn’t really necessary if I hadn’t put pressure on you. I’m sorry.

I begged.

This was so low of me. I did it because I kept hoping that it will change, you will change. I just made it worse, we could’ve ended it earlier if I hadn’t keep begging for us to try again. Maybe you just pitied me, maybe it was pity love.

Am I hurting because I lost you or because I lost 3 years?

Don’t get me wrong, 3 years with you was fun, such an adventure. I enjoyed every moment of it. But it got me thinking what causes my current sadness. Considering how I was treated and given the bare minimum to what I thought was a special relationship we had.

Maybe I just needed a friend.

Again, it was my mistake, I was too naive. Thinking that I needed a partner, a boyfriend, to save me from the hurt I was experiencing. Maybe it would’ve been better if we were friends instead. Maybe we didn’t have to end anything if we stayed as friends. But then again, all of these are just “maybes” now.

I didn’t take the time to know you enough.

Again, I forced you into this relationship. I didn’t take the time to know you well enough. I was contented by how you gave me your time, how you exert effort into seeing me and spending time with me. But I didn’t ask if you were ready for a relationship, I didn’t ask if you’d date to marry, didn’t ask if the ring will be your final goal once you decide to step into one with me. I didn’t ask enough, and I should’ve. It would’ve spared us from this pain we’re feeling right now.

I bend my principles for you

I shouldn’t have. I was too focused on saving our relationship that I didn’t care about my principles anymore. I didn’t care that marriage was my goal, since it wasn’t for you and I decided to forget about it. You don’t see yourself working in the province, I changed my goal to find a work in the city so we could be together and live together. It shouldn’t be that way, compromise is the key to a healthy relationship but this one was one-sided and we both know it.

I deserve better.

Maybe I was too broken to see that I was given the bare minimum. I tried asking for more and it led to fights, I became scared of fights because that’s how you lose someone and maybe that’s why I settled for less. I deserve someone better. You know it, I know it. I deserve the same amount of love I gave and poured to you. 

It’s over.

There’s still a part of me that hopes that this is just one of those previous break-ups we had. But there’s also a part of me that helps me realize that it’s over. That keeps telling me something better will come my way. I want that part to take over so I can stop hoping and stop hurting myself.