I leaned against the window rail of my room as I quietly stared outside our backyard. Trees smoothly swaying their leaves and the cool breeze of the morning lightly touching my face. I could feel the touch of the wind as I stretched out my hand outside the window. My mind suddenly felt relax as I exhaled deeply. Worries and fears were hidden for a while as I thought only of this perfect moment of silence. Yes, it feels so calm to stay away from the chaotic scene of the metro and embrace the tranquility and stillness of this quiet rural place.

This is a rare moment in my life for the past decade. I had always been rushing and hurrying in life. It’s unusual for me to reflect about God and my life early in the morning. I usually have my devotion at night when I feel so exhausted and all the negativity of the day already crept inside of me. I read Psalms and Proverbs as I woke up, but those were just merely reading and not really meditating.

At the back of my mind, an overwhelming peace was slowly sinking in. I could not help but uttered, “Lord, I did not know that I missed you so much.” All these years that I thought I was doing what was required of me by God, I suddenly realized that those were shallow. I have not developed the perfect intimacy with God. I built my life around so much competition, pressure, and socialization and came to the point of feeling shattered by all worries and exhaustion of life.

I never learned to take things slowly or to even pause for a while. For me, time means productivity. And productivity means money. Now that I am sick, the Lord has awakened me to what matters the most in life. It is not really the material things, power, or even fame that makes one’s soul at peace and still. It is the intimacy and contentment of the soul in Him. As what Paul exhorted in the book of Timothy, that godliness with contentment is a great gain. Therefore, having food and raiment, let us be content (1 Timothy 6:6-8).

This season of my life, I believed is a wake-up call to really see things beyond the horizon. It is lifting my eyes up to heaven and be still in the Lord. 

As I closed my eyes and pondered on my life, I know that I would want to have a simple life that is away from worldly passions and pursuits. I finally came to an agreement that the Lord has set me apart for a reason. It may not be as successful as what the world perceives, but I know that in the Lord, success means walking in constant obedience and fear of Him. I am learning that the Lord has been calling me to live a set apart life all this time. I just could not hear Him, or rather, I chose not to hear Him because I enjoyed playing with the world.

As I began to step back, I felt the cold touch in my heart. For the first time after so many years, I felt the calmness inside my soul. There’s not much to focus on the entire day. It is just living for the day and see what will be tomorrow. The gentle touch of the Lord has made me understood my real purpose of existence. This is not to satisfy myself but to glorify Him.

photo: ctto