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Broken. Lost. Chaotic. Those were just few words that I can use to describe myself. I was hopeless. I have no direction. My thoughts were tangled that it kept me longing for someone and something that I wasn’t sure about. I was devastated inside, a storm surge that I can’t handle. No one ever understood what I felt, until someone entered my life.
I have no idea what happened. Everything went fast and smooth. My heart always overflows that the storm inside me seems to calm down. I was happy, ecstatic, and whole again. Every time I opened my eyes was like I took a happy pill that it immediately brightened up my day. I always looked forward to his good morning messages and the feeling that he always looked forward to how my day went.
We rarely see each other in person that it excites me and makes me want more of him. I forgot how broken and lost I was because he vows to endure all the pain that I felt with me. It was cloud 9.
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Until one day, my life slowly turned upside down again. There were no good morning messages, and he seemed not to be interested in my stories anymore. Our meet-ups lessened and I felt like he was slowly turning into a stranger again. He was irritated with my calls and my ‘how’s his day’ questions. But, I put up with it.
“Maybe because I was too demanding? Yes, maybe that was right. I demanded more of him. Maybe I crossed the line too much.” I keep telling myself. That’s why I distance myself a bit. Just a bit. I only replied immediately to his rare messages and I was not asking how his day went anymore – most of the time.. But I always make sure that the connection is still alive.
But he slowly closed his doors for me. I was clueless. I have no idea what went wrong. And with that my overflowing heart was empty again. I was more devastated and kept questioning myself what I did wrong. What did I do again? What was my mistake again? Why am I sorry again? “I am the problem”, that’s what I believed. He just made me into a person that I don’t want me to be.
He… he is the chaos that made me whole… but broke me even more.