I never had a serious relationship for those years I thought I needed it. Not because I enjoyed the idea of flirting, collecting, and rejecting. I was busy. I was afraid. I was ambitious.
I was busy not to disappoint my loved ones especially my parents. I made myself a man full of hopes and dreams so that the wind beneath my wings won’t stop bringing me in the four different places. So that I could experience the different seasons in the North, South, East, and West. I built my priorities and enumerated distractions.
I was afraid that I may discard some important properties of a gold while carving its beauty. I wasn’t ready as well to ignore some doors because I opened a door just for someone else. I would be honest, I don’t want to be locked up and be limited because of my “relationship-obligations”. If she could go to school by herself, then she could go home alone. If she could carry her belongings without me, well that’s normal. So don’t expect us [or just only me] that we are incompetent by not doing those self-centered expectations. I’m sorry but, I was afraid and wasn’t ready for those things.
I was [so] ambitious in having a perfect picture of someone I wanted to be my first lady. My standards do not fit perfectly in someone’s image that even Helen of Troy couldn’t meet those things. Or maybe I just couldn’t accept someone’s imperfections. I am not a god, neither a demigod. 🤣 Gosh! Some of you might slap me with these thoughts, “I think you need to lower you standards because you shouldn’t be looking for a perfect one— because she’s not existing”, “You aren’t that handsome. Wake up!”, “You can’t handle her worst, well you don’t deserve her best.” I wasn’t that dumb and numb not to know those things. Duh. I read Kama Sutra: Courtesans. I know those things but it didn’t work, sadly. Anyway, thank you Alain Danielou for translating that Indian practices or guides for us.
Do not worry, as I mentioned above, I tried having a sweet but fast relationship to some girls. I sent long messages, fetched her during rainy days, stopped in a bus terminal, ate some delicious food, wrote letters, compiled poems, put our favorite picture in one frame, dated, kissed, hugged, until it faded away. Bye!
On that journey we went through, I realized a lot of things. I noticed I was in love to the idea of love not to the person. I only looked after her care that she might offer. To the sweet moments I watched in Kdramas, movies, books, or even stories I heard from my acquaintances— I was jealous, I wasn’t in love. I was confused and had hard times to separate and draw a fine line between the two ideas.
And now, I found love. Aside from His exceptional love that He needed to die for me to be saved, I found love that this universe could offer. It was not a limited edition promo, it was not on sale, it was offered by yourself. It was free.
I found love in every path I took. In the street of rejections and acceptance, I found answers. In the avenue of risks and assurance, I found a better option. In the city of love, Paris is not alone, there’s so much more. We make love, we are beyond to the ideas it might give to us, but in the right person, in the right place, in the right time, in the right YOU.
I realized these things yet I don’t have a lover? Just to inform you, she’s busy realizing those things as well or more than my perspective right now.
I enjoyed this state of being untied, my singlehood. It’s a one time experience. Don’t rush so that you won’t create rash promises.
Written by mraof1998
Photo by Timothy Soliven