I woke up this morning before 8:00am without an alarm clock and it is very unusual for me. I woke up from a very vivid dream, I thought it was real, and I realized I am hurting inside.
I dreamt of my ex-boyfriend. I dreamt of all the frustrations I didn’t know I still have inside of me. It has been years, and after countless rejections and denial I did towards him, I once thought na mahal ko pa ba sya?
Pero hindi ko alam kung gaano pa kalalim yung pagmamahal na yun,
Pero hindi ko alam kung pagmamahal pa nga ba talaga yun.
Pero bakit lang kailangan mapanaginipan ko pa sya Lord?
Yung sakit na naramdaman ko sa panaginip ko, nararamdaman ko kahit sa paggising ko at pagbangon sa katotohanan.
I didn’t expect myself to shed a tear right now about the person I had let go already.
I feel desperate, pity, lowly of feeling this right now.
I started asking the Lord;
“Do I really deserve to suffer like this Lord?”
“Lord is it worth it to stay single while waiting and hoping for the exact man I am praying for?”
“Lord, baka naman tama yung iba kong kaibigan na wag na po akong choosy, magbukas ako ng pinto, magtry and baka madevelop o magwork out din daw?”
And I realized, it is not my ex who’s the reason I am shedding a tear for. But it is because of my doubting faith in the Lord and doubting myself.
I am doubting kung meron ba talagang dadating na exactly na pinagpipray ko;
I am doubting also myself kung deserve ko rin ba yung pinagdadasal ko.
I fear growing old.
I fear that my decision might be wrong.
I fear na baka lumampas na pala yung taong para sakin.
But also, the Lord helped me to recognize what is truly meant for me.
Lord help me to just not rely on my emotions or what I feel at the moment.
Lord help me to keep the fight of faith despite how this world views me and my decisions differently.
Because even when there are countless reasons to doubt and fear, Lord you have promised in your word;
“When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen.” ISAIAH 60:22
And that man I am praying for will be a proof that as we wait, trust and obey you Lord, the “right blessing” will come.
Not incidentally, not by chance, not just by letting it be, not just a maybe, not just because it feels right.
But it will be clearly a God-answered prayer.