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I found a piece I wrote a year ago. Though I still cannot believe I have written such words, and though these words no longer reflect my current situation, I hope this piece will resonate and inspire you.
September 5, 2017
I feel bothered. Like some things are brewing. I don’t know what ought or what may explode first. The pushing and pulling. The little things are being magnified. These things are slowly leading me to an assumption. I find myself waiting, as if there is a logical, reasonable even, course to travel. Maybe I’m only noticing pigments? Maybe these things are repeated, throughout circumstances, spread toward other people. There is tension. I don’t know how to place it, where to target it.
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I am afraid.
I’m starting to fear that I’m getting too near to unchartered territory, that I wouldn’t know how to act, or that I revert to planning (possible unconsciously) how to push people away. Maybe the opposite is happening? What if I end up being pushed away? This piece is bringing up every shield I previously detached, the walls I thought no longer hold power over me. What are the things I listed? What are the moments I may have deemed too unique because of first encounters?
I loathe the tenet of assuming, its dangers. Its dangers are dawning on me. Though the game is partially exciting as I watch you become unnerved at times, but this play is confusing. My mind travels beyond what I see, beyond what I observe. Have you thought about these things too? Have you ever, even before you talk or act towards me, accepted what these little things can do or may have done or are currently doing to me? Is this just play? Is this just me giving meaning to imaginary or unnecessary moments?
Am I dividing time too much? I have began to measure you in impulsive actions that constantly catch my attention. I have began to measure you in words that neither declare nor silence. I have began to measure your gestures that separate me from the crowd, but does not directly talk to me.
I shall be genuine. These… You…
Mind over matter. I may not completely, truthfully mind… but why does these things begin to slowly…afraid to be…painstakingly…