Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Boiling Waters PH.
To my dearest, I know you are holding up so much today with your condition. Under this circumstance where the world felt so depressed and so are you. But I know you are battling for it every day with yourself.
I know it is hard that every small thing reminds you of the event that happened to you. Even when just a nap, that event flashes quickly in the darkroom of your mind. The small touch relives the feeling of darkness and gave that hollow and void feeling. The impact on you was deep-rooted and penetrated more to reach into your core. To the sleepless night, you tried to close your eyes but did not allow you to do so for the ghosts from the past visited you. I know you are scared that every time you might close your eyes, they would be crowding your thoughts and invade your peace. It’s frightening, yes. Even when the time you observe things around you becomes your stressor. The traumatic event would just keep you in chaos and you are living with it.
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I felt your discomfort with every small thing we talked about. I knew how you reacts and I am observing your moves. The constant scratch of your face, the way you caress yourself harshly and vigorously, erratic breathing, mood swings, you always look back and forth when you are walking, and everything you observed around frightens you that it might be the same again and happen again. I even know why you lasted hours and hours residing in the bathroom. You are silently crying and screaming under the noisy shower. I know that the water is mixed with your tears, I solely see. Or even when the sound of pouring water hides your muffled cries. And I’ll see your eyes all red and tired but you hide it with your smile. I even noticed when you cried after the sudden wake from your sleep in the middle of the night.
The aftermath was hard for you and affects your life living everyday. I saw you growing up with that scar that go back to a wound when somebody tried to touch it. When you are blamed from the things that happened to you even if you are innocent from it. I knew you keep on asking why you are putting all the blame when you are the victim. And you said that, everyone glorifies the oppressor and degrade the oppressed. I remember the times when you isolate yourself from everyone because you felt safe. You keep your self quiet every time but they always keep a time and space for hurting you. From then on, I knew you have low self-esteem. You learned to not to love yourself. You become unforgiving. You even learned to think of the most disturbing action to take by trying to end the life that was given as gift to you. Because you are tired from running from it.
You even wished that your oppressor just end it right then and there, just to make you not to suffer this trauma anymore. But little did you know that it is hope. I love you but I see how scared you are. You suppressed this event of your life that other people might know. You did not tell your friends. You did not open up to them. They even saw you masking yourself with a positive vibe.
There are so many things you feared about. You feared to formed a relationship to somebody because that traumatic event scares you because it was your greatest insecurity in life. You were scared that they might use it against you and hit you that spot where you were weak. You feared that they might feared you too and changes their mind that you are disgusting. You feared that they might not take your mood and will leave you. You feared that history might repeat itself. Because I know that you felt unguarded and unprotected that time. But I hope you did not think that you are alone.
Though, you make me happy to look at you now. I know you were still struggling but you are now trying to open up. I heard you told somebody, but did not received judgement. I am happy that you make your friends laugh just because of you. I know you don’t want them to feel the same sadness you experienced. I am happy that you are helping your friends and other people. I am happy that they saw how genuine your heart to gave them happiness and light. I am happy that you are listening to other people because I know you feel how it feels when you are not being heard. And I am more happy that, you are reaching now for acceptance and forgiveness. You want to move on. I know you want peace.
I know you are taking the hardest journey and fighting this battle. Just remember you have me, for I am you. Together, we are not alone. Just remember, we weren’t alone in fighting. Somebody whose invisible is behind our back to support us. Just keep your faith to fight and wins against all odds.