What If I will Never Be Over You?

I was seating in our balcony,
With a cup of coffee in front of me.
I’m just staring out of nowhere with messy mind and messy hair,
I’m still thinking about our conversation last night,
And how it ended so quickly without good night.
I don’t know what will I do,
Your words keep on running on my mind
I don’t know if I will trust what you’ve said
I don’t know if it’s true.
You only can remember me when it’s convenient to you,
You only hit me up when you need something, yes it’s true.
I cried a river last night,
I was on my knees begging God to take away the pain with the word “Please”.
Because I’m holding it for so long,
Thinking what went wrong.
It was a torture to me that I chose to set aside and don’t bother me.
I chose to kept quiet and don’t say a word
Because it’s better to be left unsaid.

Day before yesterday
I went on with my life like nothing happened,
Like I did not have a mental breakdown and a suicidal thoughts
I went on with my life like I’m hundred percent fine.
I’m having a night out with my friends
Pretending that I’m okay and not carrying a baggage
But with the second set of alcohol
My demons went out of their bastille,
Starting a fire and chaos inside of me.

Now I’m still sitting here and not saying a word
My coffee remained untouched and went cold
I took a sip and I tried to remember something,
But hey, I cannot remember anymore the way you say my name,
The way you say ‘i miss you’
The way you say ‘I love you’
I cannot even remember anymore how you used to say ‘Good morning’
I cannot remember your voice or the way you laugh
Not even the way you cry and sob.
Not even how you touched me.

But all I can remember is your body,
How you took care of me,
How we go out and hang out,
How we washed the clothes and cleaned the house.
I can still remember how we started
How was our first date
And how was our first fight
But I can’t remember how you kissed me that night
I can still remember how we used to be
And it is a fucking torture in me
I can still remember what we used to be
And it is a fucking dagger in me!
Every time it flashed back in my mind
It starts a chaos and war inside
My mind can’t keep quiet
And my heart can’t calm
My lungs are gasping for air
And that situation is what I cannot bear.

It’s been 5 years since the day I met you,
It’s been 5 years since the day you first sent a message to me
It’s been 5 years and everything is still haunting me.
It’s been 4 years since we started dating,
It’s been 4 years but I still can remember everything.
It’s been 2 years since we broke up
It’s been 2 years since we took a stepped back.
It’s been a long time since day one
But still the thought of you, me, us and the future we built is still alive.
How we’re so open with our families,
How we were accepted by everyone.

I did you wrong,
You did me wrong.
Both of us been a mess
Both of us is to be blame.

Last night I cried a river again
Last night I begged God again
Last night blood left my body
Last night was cold and sweaty
Last night murdered me again
Last night was visible that I’m in pain.
I hope that would be the last
But I doubt,
I can’t take no more another night gasping for air,
I can’t take no more another night with a shaking body it’s not fair.

How we went to concert
How we walked home
Everything is alive in my head
Even when I’m in bed.
Haven’t I told you that I kept dreaming about you?
Well I don’t know what will I do when every time I woke up in the morning, yes it’s true.
I will just sit still on my bed,
Dream replaying in my head.

This will end, right?
Time will heal me, right?
But what if time won’t do what it is supposed to do?
What if I will never be over you?

I took a last sip of my coffee,
I stood up and get ready,
To start again like I’m not feeling heavy.
Take care dear you.

What if I will never be over you?