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I will wait on you, Lord, not because I am out of choices but because this time
my choice is you.
To my beautiful Lord Jesus,
For many years, I have believed the lie in movies that finding a man who will love me is simply finding someone whom I will be attracted to and have connection with. But love is so much more meaningful than good looks and common grounds. I have tried so hard to be noticed by men; from the way I dress, how I look, and even how I speak that it took a lot of space in my mind. Eventually, I lost my own identity. A lot of women say that they do not even know who they are and that is true, especially for me. And maybe the reason for that is because we are too preoccupied in being someone we are not. We are constantly trying to prove something which in my case is to be and feel wanted. The worst thing
about pretending is that you can only try and pretend for so long before you get exhausted by your own self-built predicament. I craved validation and attention that I was willing to lose myself over and over again just to satisfy that need but to my disappointment it never
did. No man or relationship had ever satisfied the attention and validation I was searching for. I was not the one getting dumped but I leave the relationship simply because they do not fill the void, that hollow space in me that I cannot seem to ignore or overlook.
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When I just got out of relationship again, I realized that maybe I was looking at the wrong places to fill the emptiness in me. Because my toxic pattern of jumping from one relationship to another somehow gives me more damage than fulfillment, the sensible resolution is that I must look somewhere else; somewhere I never wanted to go because I am afraid of what I have to give up and surrender. It is frightening to let go of my old habits because no matter how unhealthy and miserable they are, they are what I am familiar of and fond with. Like old toys with no real beneficial value to my being, I clung and held on to these habits so I could “heal gradually” but the tighter my grip is, the more wounded I get. Thankfully, I learned that healing is not supposed to be easy much less comfortable. Healing is supposed to be ugly, messy, and mortifying. Even King Solomon in all his splendor and wisdom knew this when he wrote in Ecclesiastes 7:3 that “Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us.” If I want healing, true healing, I should quit deluding myself that I can heal on my own terms and conditions. After all, all you ever wanted, Lord, is for me to surrender everything I have, even my darkest thoughts and deeds, my shameful moments, my dishonorable decisions, and most importantly, my deepest regrets.
There is one thing I admire and adore the most about you, Lord, that is you specifically told us in your Word that you keep no record of my wrongs. You died for my sins when I could care less about you. Even though you know the depth of my sin, you love me the same and reach out to me as if I am some sort of treasure you will never get tired of seeking. And that love you have graciously and persistently been showing me compels me to come to you as I am, bare and filthy. I can and will never thank you enough for loving me despite everything I have done in my life, Lord. So here I am with nothing else to lose, heal me in your own wondrous way. I know that this decision will not be easy but I want to know and wait what your will brings. I want to taste and see how great your love can be. I want to witness how beautiful it is to gaze upon your blessing because you granted me the grace and patience to wait for it, Lord.
As I end this letter, I want nothing else but your love to fill my life. Please give me the wisdom to always choose your will above mine. Because I have never known no safer place than your love, my God.
