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I will be honest enough to admit that the only reason I was afraid to let go is my fear of being alone in this life. I thought that if I have someone, I will be happy and that I will not have to grow old alone. This thought crippled me and blinded me to endure the pain of holding on to someone who I knew all along will never be able to give me the love I so wanted.
I was too stubborn to accept that he will never change. I kept giving countless chances even if the lies started to pile up and the excuses becoming more ridiculous and lamer than ever. Everyday, I tried to conceal the pain behind my smile and tried to project an image that yes, I am in love. That we are in love. I pretended that I am okay. That we are okay. But in reality, what was once a happy fairytale has slowly became a nightmare.
I held on because of hope. The hope that one day, I will be everything he wanted. The hope that one day, he will realize how much he loves me and that I am the most important person in his life. So important that he would want to settle down and start his own family with me. It was the same hope that poisoned me into believing that if I stayed longer, he will change his mind about me. About us.
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It took me three years to finally realize that I have reached a dead end. I am no longer the same person I was when we first started. What took over was someone depleted of life. Someone who lost her self-confidence. Someone who felt very worthless. Someone who would settle for whatever trickle of time and attention that he can spare me. Someone who settled on being an option instead of a priority. Someone far from what I used to be.
Now, I am shattered as the lies that I have refused to believe became facts. Hear says became truths. Suspicions, validated. All staring back at me and ready to punch me in the face. And being the narcissistic person that he is, I am made to accept that everything was my fault. I am made to apologize for discovering the truth that he deliberately hid from me. And as if that’s not yet enough, I am reminded of it day in and day out every time we would argue over something caused by his lies.
Burdened by all these pain, I’ve reached my breaking point. I’ve had enough of the pushing and pulling, the constant cycle of explaining and forgiving. I finally mustered the strength to put an end to all these madness. I finally saw that I was no longer loving the man that I’ve met three years ago. I was being held hostage by a monster who feeds on my insecurities, doubts and fears. His mask has come off and underneath it, a soulless, remorseless, conscienceless abuser has emerged.
Being in his presence was no longer beneficial for my own well being and as a result, I was no longer afraid to break free. I was no longer afraid to turn my back, walk away and leave. I’ve lost all my respect for him and partly for myself, for putting up with him. It took me all my will power to turn deaf to all his empty words. I will never again fall victim to his false promises of change. I am wiser and braver now. I have tasted freedom once again and I will not compromise it for someone I can definitely do without. I am better off alone than lose myself completely.
