It’s been three months since I left the company that I was working with her and transfer to a new one. And almost six months of avoiding each other, and two months being blocked by her in FB – I am still thinking of her. An it hurts me a lot, I mean a lot.
We started as friends last July 2018, since her Day 1 on my previous company. We have a lot of things in common, like my second company (which is her first) – we both came from an Internet Security company, both belong to a Christian congregation, same ministry and same functions – in fact we actually met prior to the formal meetup as officemate and friends. As she was our only “muse”, we are careful with her, we treat her as “one of the boys”, we are always together – eating lunch, “merienda”, and everything. We talked also about our struggles in life, in our Christian life adventures, ministry, discipleship, etc. In fact, I managed to share my thoughts with her most of the time – even my previous heartaches.
I can describe her as a “Master Teaser”, a bully sometimes, a happy and sometimes serious woman. A smart one, being a data engineer (I am a senior network engineer, anyway). She loves to tease me, particularly on my necrophobia and my habits. She usually imitates my mannerism and used it just to tease me – which is I appreciate every day. There are times that she doesn’t tease me – I know that she is not in a mood to talk to anyone. A bit introvert but a serious one sometimes. She is bubbly sometimes and also a prayerful woman.
What I know is there was a time that she came from a serious heartache but she did not disclose it to anyone, except to the closest to her – I am not one of them, I am just a passing through human, anyway. I didn’t notice it that time, maybe I am busy moving on from the 2018 heartache, or I maybe too numb to notice those. But she kept on teasing me and smiling with everyone.
We went out a lot as group and there were also times they hang out on my place. We were comfortable with each other, but eventually, I started to see her as someone who is a potential girlfriend. I just let it passed by but, time after time, my feelings for her start to bloom and I tried to treat her differently like someone special to me – and she noticed it and she didn’t like it. I apologized and tried to avoid her because I am afraid to fall in love with her (I don’t want to lose a friend in her). But she noticed that I was avoiding her – and I apologized and let my feelings passed by. We managed to mitigate it (that event), but I am really falling in love with her every day. When I realized that I am in love with her, I decided to avoid her again – and she called me out. We just talked via chat but after few days, our friendship starts to rotten (like I expect when I fell in love with a friend). A lot of things happened and I decided to cut ties with her and to our group and live alone while waiting for right opportunity to leave the company. I become more desperate to leave the company to avoid her and the pain in my heart I experience every day. I managed to leave the company and even on my last day, we didn’t manage to talk. After a month, she blocked me and I don’t have any way to connect to her anymore. That became my wakeup call to stop dreaming of a possibility that she can love me – or the possibility of being with her anymore.
I decided to focus myself on my day job, my ministry and in the discipleship more. I decided to avoid attending to any events that will remind me of “lovelife” – like singles came night, weddings, etc. I lessen my time connecting to some of my friends (our common friends) and hold on more to the idea that it will be my last heartache, not only for this year, but for good. I unfollowed a lot of my friends and focus to be a good friend to most of them. I also avoided even the places that we went out as groups. I am continue doing it as of today; it’s been three months since I started in my new company and I brought the learnings and a promise to myself not to connect to anyone – only if work related – to avoid those struggles.
I know that as of the moment, I am not yet moved on – since I can still feel the pain of being discarded, not only rejected. Being rejected is far different to being discarded. They can reject you without them discarding you in their life. Discarded is far more painful – it will change your point of view big time. I admit it, my point of view in love life changed – to the fact that I don’t want to experience falling in love anymore; that when you fall in love with a friend, that will be the doom of your friendship. And I hate that feeling.
I am single for almost a lifetime. I only experienced having a girlfriend way back September 2007 (she’s my first, so far, the last) – I was her rebound – she “courted” me, she said it that she liked me because I am a good person. We were together for more than a year. I can say that those times were 1/4 good and the rest are not. We broke up April 2009 due to conflict to work (she gets jealous to all of my colleagues), and after that, I was always rejected (like before I met my ex) until now. I had a promise to myself that at the age of 35, and I am still rejected and discarded, I will stop opening my heart to anyone for good. Now I am already 35, I think I have to embraced my life – being alone, rejected and discarded.
Things are different on me now, as I am already a Christian since 2014 and I have a lot of friends who are there for me, praying for me. I already gave up the possibility of being with someone, I know that God will complete me and will continue to rebuild my heart that were shattered due to rejection and being discarded. He will not send someone to complete me, He will do it on His own. How long He will heal me? How long He will rebuild me? How long He will fix my shattered heart? Who knows? Only God knows when – definitely, on His time – not mine. Maybe, when that time comes, I will not even miss her, I may stop thinking of her, or maybe there is someone teasing me a lot, imitating my mannerism, loving me wholeheartedly. Who knows who? Who knows when? Only God knows who and when. I let and entrust all the fixing, the healing, shaping and everything to God. I am letting God do those. I will not push myself to forget everything about her, to forget her. I will let God do His thing – even for the new lovelife or for the life of being forever alone. I will let God decide for me. This time, God is the captain of my ship – I will not get the steering wheel anymore from Him. But for now, I will let myself miss her and think about her.