I wish the pain had also ended as I closed my chapter 2022.
Every step I take as Chapter 2023 begins appears to be difficult. I can say that I am no longer feeling the same pain as I did on the day you decided to leave. I don’t know where this journey is taking me because this pain has been living in my heart for so many days that I’ve lost count. I refuse to stalk you, as seeing your happy face online gives me a bittersweet feeling. I am genuinely happy for your achievements. How I wish I could still say, “I’m proud of you” and “Keep going.” But what makes me sad is that I can no longer hear your stories while achieving it. I recall how anxious you are at work and how happy you sound every time you finish a task in a single day.
My mind remembers everything, which makes me miss you even more. I wish I didn’t miss you so much. Every night, I pray that this ache will go away completely. I’m tired of seeing myself drowning in tears. Things had seemed unbearably difficult until now.
But I know I must move forward and put a smile on my face as well. That I shouldn’t check on you as you will never come back and even drop a “Hi” in our chat box. Everything is different now. You are too far to reach, and I need to close our memories. Our memories had come to an end. If the opportunity to make more memories together arises, I will treasure the moment and do everything in my power to keep you. But for now, I am slowly accepting the fact that it ended.
Sorry for moving on slowly. The memories of you keep haunting me. I am still learning to go alone to places we used to stop by, to stop myself from waiting for your updates every morning, and to prevent myself from remembering you. I apologize as you matter to me a lot.
I miss my genuine smile. Soon, smiles will not just be in pictures but in real life as well.
And as I continue to walk in 2023, I hope I’ll be able to completely heal from the things I can’t share. It’s not easy; most people would not understand, but I am blessed because God’s got me.
Healing is not instant; it’s a process that only God and I would understand. It might be a painful journey, but I know for sure that this would make a beautiful story. I don’t know where God is leading me, but I am trusting Him.
I’m sharing my healing process on this page because I’m sure others have felt the same way at some point. And I hope that, when the time comes, the genre will be different. I believe that this pain will soon be a good testimony.
Hang in there, those of you who are feeling the same way. God is with us!
Photo by Sara Kurfeß on Unsplash
