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The time God awakened me of His existence, I wanted to die.
I have felt the weight of my sins and I do not want to be aware of my sins anymore and to continue sinning from then on so my immediate solution is to die because I know at the end I will really die so why not today… I have said that to God…”Why not today now that You have made me aware of Your existence and made known to me of my death?”
And so I died.
But then God unexpectedly awakened me again… He said, “LIVE!” Live.
“What? I am alive again. What?”
The rebel inside me questioned Him again, “Lord, how can I continue living if everyday I know that I will really die someday, if everyday I am aware of my death, if everyday I know the right and wrong and I know that any disobedience from Your Word is a sin? How can I continue living if I know that I will fail obeying You? How can I continue living if I know that if I will not follow You while I am still alive I will be put to hell after I die and Your gate is too narrow for me to enter, so what now Lord? I am broken, powerless, helpless... I cannot save myself from this awakening. I know that my destination is the river of fire and I cannot save myself from that. I must stop sinning and follow You, obey You, believe in You, put my trust in You, that is the only way so that I will not be thrown in the river of fire in my near future. But I cannot do that perfectly. I cannot do that while I am still alive, so Lord, if early death is the only way so it will end perfectly, then take my life again.”
But here I am, still alive again and super daldal, baliw, weird and maingay at mapost. Here I am still writing about God, my struggles with Him, my gratefulness to Him, my anger towards Him, my complaints about Him, here I am still writing about God, exposing my heart to people I barely know, but still writing without fail about the God who awakened me and the God who saved me. JESUS. He really saves.
After all the contemplation, I realized that what I want is to excuse myself from all the trials that I will soon face after the awakening. Death is my excuse, my shortcut so that I will not walk the narrow road towards the eternity God has promised to me. But God turned the meaning of death into obedience. Yes, I am really dying everyday in a form of obedience. Thankfully it is Jesus who overcame my death, He saved me from the awakening and continue saving me. He brought me back. He made me alive. He is giving me LIFE everyday. The WORD that became flesh. The GOSPEL. JESUS is the WORD. The every word from the bible. Though I have to die everyday, He is making me alive everyday. It is like I am being BORN AGAIN AND AGAIN everyday, without fail. And that is the time I understood why I am called a Born again christian. But I really dont care about my religion, what I care is the God I am worshiping. The One who called me and awakened me, He is the most important one above all religions humans are labelling.
To the one true God who awakened me, the God who is talking in the Bible, the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, thank You. I really cannot comprehend Your existence but thank You for showing me my limitations. Thank You for this day. All glory and praise to the Living God. In dear Jesus name I worship, thank You.