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It was when the universe is half asleep but our conversation sways from our childhood memories and dreams, from how sloppy and messy we looked like way back on our senior years to how our looks changed now that we are working in a corporate world. You keep on asking me how did we not even get a chance to be a team during school’s yearly celebrations, and how we did not even get along for once. I was handing my phone all night long and never minding the numbness of my arms creeping into my shoulders because of the uncomfortable pillow that I forgot to put back on my side. You keep on sharing how your colleague cracks stupid jokes during break times, how did your report summed up after presentations, how traffic it was travelling back home, why you got pissed over a piece of paper, what you always had for lunch, and almost everything about your day. You never forget about me for once and it was really amusing. I thought having a busy schedule at work will definitely cause our loss of time and lines, but I was wrong. You keep on making it sure a day won’t pass by without us talking. And sometimes, I lost track of time and I wasn’t even aware that I only have three hours of sleep left and I am back to a manic Monday again. For the past months, it suddenly came to my senses that friends don’t talk like this.
We are waiting for our food to arrive and you keep on staring at me. I normally look at you and ask you why countless times. One day, you reached out your hand and point it out on my left elbow asking how I got that scar and it reminded me of how I was accidentally pushed off by a passenger in the bus when I was about to go out while it was still moving. I told you that was one of a heck miraculous day. I saw how it bothered you because you kept on asking me how I managed to put myself up after it. And there, I realized that friends don’t look at you that way with such emotions, don’t gaze your eyes and see the coldness of a soul you are trying to hide for the past years. It suddenly hit me, friends don’t look at each other like this.
We are on our way to watch a movie. It was a long weekend and I know you are tired of driving. You closed your eyes for seconds since the stop light was about two minutes more. You grabbed my hand, squeezed it tight and held it till it’s green light. I find it hard to breathe and it felt like my world stops for a while. From that moment, I told myself that friends don’t touch like this, friends don’t touch you in a way that you feel the warmth of someone whom you want to hold hands with for the rest of your life, friends don’t touch you in a way so comforting that it feels like all the wounds you are healing on your own for the longest period of time finally patched themselves up.
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For the past months of endless conversations, your voice has that recall on my mind. How it sounds when you laugh, when you are pissed and how it sounds when you normally speaks. And it hit me, a friend’s voice is not something you usually crave to hear when you had a bad day at work or when you need someone to comfort you for your mood swings. Because honestly, that voice becomes different. It becomes a melody that you always want to hear.
We never talked about it. We never even dared to ask. We never mentioned anything. But we both know how— how confusing it is, how much uncertainties we need to understand and how are we going to start somewhere. We never tried to say a single word. But we know we need a concrete, concise and clear answers. And as a fact, friends are not supposed to be in this way.
Then if not, what should we be?