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I was lying on my topsy-turvy bed that night while waiting for you to come home. I redialed your number but it was already almost midnight when you pick up the phone. I was too elated to hear your wondrous voice. I smiled to myself. I was glad that my love was able to come home unharmed. Like any ordinary woman, I was excited to hear anything you might want to share, but you were too tired to talk. I was silent for a moment, gathering my courage not to say anything that might lead to a bad night. It was a deafening silence until you finally said the words that changed my life forever.
“I don’t love you anymore”. I was dumbfounded. I thought I was hallucinating, and yet those words replayed endlessly. I felt the very first excruciating pain I ever experienced for twenty-seven years of existence. It was an insurmountable and recurring pain. It escalated every minute and it felt like my chest was going to burst. I sobbed until the sun came up and set once more. I told myself that everything’s gonna be okay. I told myself that maybe you just needed space.
Love can make you do the things you never did before. Swayed by my emotions and fear of losing you, I booked a plane ticket to get home. I told you I wanted to see you but then you replied that we have nothing to talk about. I was hurt, but I started joking hoping that the conversation might end pleasantly. Hours passed, I discovered your secret. I found out that you were dating somebody else. You were dating a total stranger. All our happy memories for the last eight years came rushing back to me. Every detail killed me over and over again. The betrayal was just too much that I could not believe you dared to do it. All I ever heard from you were the lines: “I am no longer happy.” ‘You don’t excite me anymore.” I was standing motionless when my legs brought me down to my knees. I began to weep. No, I began to wail. How could you be so insensitive? How could you be so indifferent? How could you tactlessly say all those words? We have been in love for eight years! We were happy. We planned our marriage, finances, and future responsibilities. We even named our unconceived son. We were best friends and lovers, but how could you just walk away like “we” never really existed.
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I just woke up one day traumatized by how drastic the change was. I had no time to process everything and recuperate. How could you say “I love you” days before only to slap me with “I don’t love you anymore.” It was as if a sudden hurricane struck a boat sailing peacefully in the serene ocean. I was drowned in the grief of losing two important people in my life- my best friend and lover in one. I lost my appetite to eat and I was unable to sleep for weeks. As my heart started to die, my body and mind started to deteriorate. I never thought I could give this much love to one person, and yet it was all in vain. I suffered distress and agony while you were too busy pursuing anything that pleases you. You already started to break free while I am still keeping the relationship whole. You started pushing me away and yet I keep coming back to you. You were asking me to support you, but how could I?
The love we planted for eight long years grew inside of me and now I could not kill the roots embodied in my system. Despite the painful words and deliberate ways of hurting me, I found myself as someone trying to protect you from the people who were too disappointed at what you did. I was amazed at how could I still give you so much respect after everything. I was also amazed how could I still breath and walk as if nothing happened. Nevertheless, you left astronomical dusk within me. You left an untreatable wound that would bring my being into eternal decay, left alone in a dark limbo of outer space.
Despite everything, I thank God that he sustained me. He taught me to love endlessly even through the pain. Though it is quite impossible to happen, I am still here waiting that one day a miracle might happen and you will eventually come back. I was hoping that one day the heaven’s door will open and give you to me as a gift. If you wanted to break free, I will chain you no more. Setting you free and caring from afar is also loving you. I just want you to know that I love you as the waves kiss the shore. I love you as the wind sings a lullaby. I love you as the rain quenches the thirst of drylands. I love you more than the depths of the ocean. I love you more than the heights of the mountains. I love you more than the beauty of the sunset and more than the delights of nature. I love you more than poems and rhymes. I know I sound like a fool yet I am trapped in my thoughts of loving you. I am smothered by the slightest glimpse of hope. I am imprisoned in the walls of happy memories. I am gradually being killed by my own will to just love you the more, and even after death itself, my love will surely remain.
