Put yourself first

Ever wondered if your partner truly loves you? I’m really honest with my feelings. I don’t want to keep anything from my partner. As much as possible, I want to share my thoughts that are bothering me to make us feel more secure.

Sometimes, on a random day, I usually ask him if he still loves me, or if he still feels excited when he sees me. When I’m alone, I have some thoughts that I cannot control. I’m wondering if he truly loves me or if he truly loves me in the way that love should be. Or am I just a part of his convenience? because sometimes I feel no assurance at all and it drives me crazy. I’m the one who’s available, so he chose me.

I want to convince myself that he loves me, but sometimes I don’t feel it. They say, if someone truly loves you, he/she doesn’t make you sad at night, reminds you how much they love you every day, laughs at your jokes, wants to listen to your music, genuinely wants to be with you, and doesn’t make you second guess their love for you. Someone who will listen to your stories even if they’re nonsense, not get tired of asking how’s your day, or just a random question for you just to have a conversation. Staying up late when you’re not feeling well and sending some sweet messages to make you feel alright and remind you that you’re not alone in this battle. Someone who sees the worst in you but chooses to stay, someone who admits to getting tired but does not abandon you, preferring to fix something that is broken. a love I want to experience, but turns out to be the reciprocal of it.

I don’t want to be stuck in this kind of situation. I don’t want a love that makes me feel that I’m not good enough. God knows I did my best, but it’s no longer my problem if he can’t handle it. One of my prayers is that he might find someone who will love him the way he wants to be loved. I have enough self-love, so I love him the way I know love should be shared.