Tacenda

I was doing fine, well I guess I am fine
When your name suddenly appeared on my phone’s screen
You told me “I guess I need to undergo an operation”
So I typed and replied, “why, what’s wrong?”
It’s been month since we last talked
So I was kind of confused when you texted me with those words.
After a minutes my phone buzzed
And there’s your name again on top
You explained to me what happened and I asked you
“What was the doctor’s findings?”
I laid down my phone again and sat on silence
My vision began to be blurry,
My hands became sweaty,
I can hear my heartbeat pounding loudly,
And I felt like my blood left my body,
My hands started to be shaky,
And I know my eyes began to be teary.

My phone buzzed again! And I know it was you
I open your message and read the text sent by you.
You did not answer my question instead you told me,
“I’ll just inform you if I’m already fine or I will have my operation. Thank you.”
I stared at my phone,
I just stared at your text message,
I became silent and still in a minute,
My mind is looking for words
And thinking what will I reply to you
My heart is aching when I finally came up with the message that I will send to you,
“It has nothing to do with me right? So get well.”
Is all what I’ve said,
I burst out crying cause I know it was so mean
We stopped talking for months and here you are again in my inbox
I swear I was hurt with those words that I sent.
I covered my mouth with my hands to stop the sobs from getting out
As my friend sent me a a photo of your Facebook story
That’s a man yes, a man in your Facebook story
“Who is that?” she asked me
“I don’t know and I don’t want to know” is what I’ve said

I just sat there crying with no sound
But my heart is breaking in pieces
I made sure no one was around
So no one would see me like this.
I received again a message
“What do you mean?” you said
My hands are shaking but I tried to calm down while typing,
“Why do you need to let me know?”
Is what I sent first, then I sent again a message saying,
“Anyway just get well soon. And I hope you don’t need to undergo an operation
But if you will and you need to, just pray.”
Then you replied right away
“Because you’re YOU”
I was confused but still crying
I was confused but still shaking
“And? Because I am ME? Because I care? Is that what you meant?”
I asked while my tears are streaming down my face
I was stabbed by my own words
There’s something in my chest- a sword.

“Sorry for bothering you”
“No one can calm me down, except you. Or when I really can’t take it anymore. And I’m really in pain, I’m sorry”
That’s what you said to me.
But you don’t know that I’m also in pain
I’m still healing from our past
And I’ve been suicidal these past few days
And I hope that I can also calm my self down exactly the way you said I can calm you down.
Baby I’m also in pain but I didn’t bother to hit you up
Because I am still in pain about me, you and our past.

I want to tell this to you badly
But I guess this is my ‘Tacenda’
‘Things better left unsaid; matters to be passed in silence.’
“Just pray. I hope you’ll be okay.”
Are the last words that I sent to you
And our conversation became silent once again
Just like the road in the midnight
With no people and vehicle only the moonlight.
It’s been hours and it’s already late
But I’m still crying with my eyes are swollen
Thinking about the words I’ve said
I missed you in my arms but we are better off this way
Baby my hands are still shaking,
I still have trouble breathing
I’m choking and still crying.

Just be fine, take care of yourself.
I’m sorry but I am still healing.
This is my ‘Tacenda’
‘Things better left unsaid; matters to be passed over in silence.’