This is an open letter to you, and I’ve been thinking about how I could express myself knowing that I did not have a right to complain about what happened between you and me. I could have sworn that you were the one that God sent to me — an angel who’d love and care for me, a man who knew my worth. But I guess you were not meant to stay in my life and I just can’t believe that this is all over. Please know that I am not mad at you and you are not to blame here because you wanted to explore the most out of life so I understand that. But here are a few things that I want you to know before I put an end to this open letter.
1. It hurts so much. Words are not enough to explain how painful the wounds are because it took me so long to build the walls around my heart and I promised myself I’d let them break down if the right person comes along. I thought it was you — until you changed your mind. I warned you from the very start to stay away from me because I knew I would spark my feelings for you and fall deeply in love. It happened, now I have to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and build a brand new wall around it all over again.
2. I wrote letters for you. I wrote these handwritten notes and I bought a blue box with a notebook inside. It contained all of your pictures and ideas of what we could have done by the time you went home. These letters were for you — to tell you how much you meant to me and to thank God for giving you to me because you were one of my greatest dreams in life. You were my undeserved grace I said, now I have no idea what to do with these letters anymore because those words will be left unread forever.
3. I still have my playlist in my phone with your name as the title. It took me seven days to add these songs to remind me how in love I was with you. Oh how I remembered playing it a hundred times in just two days because when every song played, my heart skipped a beat and it echoed your face in my mind. I still play the songs until now but they all sound different now. I didn’t recognize what they all meant anymore.
4. I always talked to mom about you and how good you were to me. She always smiled and laughed with me when I tell her everything about you — all your stories and precious smile. She never gets mad at me whenever I stay up all night for us to have a three-hour phone conversation. She hoped that you were the last man to finally pursue my heart and yes she still asks me how you have been but I couldn’t give her an answer.
5. All of my friends were jealous of me because you wanted to win my heart. I told them how amazing you were and that you said you were willing to wait for me. They warned me not to rush of falling for you but how can I not? How can I not fall in love with you? You were so beautiful and wonderful to me. I took the risk and I gave this a shot praying you were my last lifeline. They still think you wanted me, but I now stopped mentioning your name.
6. You said that I should write again and you’d read all of my thoughts and poetries. I vowed and swore that I’ll no longer write about love or life anymore because I was tired of being hurt by the wrong people. But one day, you told me in a soft voice, “You should write again, I want to read every word you’ll ever say.” So I did and I hope you are reading this too.
My love, I did not expect any of this. I should have been more careful in trusting someone like you knowing how vulnerable I was. They say that people arrive in our lives in the most unexpected time and I was not ready to meet you. You took a step into my door and explored my world. One chance was all you asked from me so I said yes but you changed your mind. I was not prepared for you to suddenly leave but you did anyway and I thank you for that. Maybe you’re not ready for love and I understand.
Darling, this is the last time I will ever write about you. Even though I knew this was all going to end, I want to commend you for being honest with me. No one knows when my heart will heal again but I know God is always with me. Wherever you are right now, I pray that you’ll be the man our King wants you to be and I wish I can tell you these things personally. You were my greatest blessing… and lesson.
I promise that I will build an empire around my heart.
I will wait for the right man who is brave enough to climb these walls.
I will not settle for less because I know my worth in Christ.
I will never be the same girl as I was when I met you — instead I will be a strong and independent woman, one who knows her Father’s promises for her.
And someday when the right man of God comes along, I will tell him about you because you are the reason why I learned so much about love and I would’ve never met him because of you.
Thank you to the one that God *almost* allowed. I left the door open where you last left, and I’m ready to guard my heart.
– Ivette Caburnay
“They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.”
1 John 2:19 NIV